(Would like feedback and criticism on lyrics) Verdugo - Emergency (rap)

VerdugoBlanco

VerdugoBlanco

New member
[Intro]
(sirens)
"We have an emergency over here!"
(gun shot)
"We need backup!"
(SFX stop, beat starts)
"Chief! He's dead! Suicide..."

[Hook]
'Dunno why, I keep going on living
I am just going through some self pity
Right now I think I am just grieving
Old me's left, I'm thinking about leaving
I am going through an emergency
I need medical attention urgently
I don't think I'll see another sunset
My life is over but I'm not done yet

[Verse 1]
The old me has died, committed suicide
And yet here I am still strong and alive
Why in the world did I waste my time with girls
'specially when all they do is sit and twirl?
That was probably my biggest downfall yet
There was no reason to get in that mess
These voices keep me alone together
Helping me make my work get better
So I can be ready on judgment day
And wish that the people will give me praise
When I'm on the stage doing what I do
And tear off that roof like I'm a typhoon
That's a long way away from where I'm at
And at the same time I'm too scared to try that
In fact I'm too scared to even leave my shell
Everyday I sit down and think to myself

[Hook]
'Dunno why, I keep going on living
I am just going through some self pity
Right now I think I am just grieving
Old me's left, I'm thinking about leaving
I am going through an emergency
I need medical attention urgently
I don't think I'll see another sunset
My life is over but I'm not done yet

[Verse 2]
Often I look at the stuff I've written
And sometimes I wish I could be grinning
But instead I'm ashamed and cringe in pain
And try to blame this horrendous thing,
These sucky raps on inexperience
"I'll make it up when my next beat be wet
and fits perfectly with the stuff I write"
I try to make dope beats to hide
The low quality of my rhymes and flow
It's too apparent they blatantly blow
I often keep second guessing myself
As a result I'm starting to lose my health
All the stuff that I write is depressing
I pull myself together unless I'm
having one of my Debbie-downer days
So the last thing I gotta say today's

[Hook]
'Dunno why, I keep going on living
I am just going through some self pity
Right now I think I am just grieving
Old me's left, I'm thinking about leaving
I am going through an emergency
I need medical attention urgently
I don't think I'll see another sunset
My life is over but I'm not done yet

--
I have written all of these lyrics however I have not yet made the beat or recorded. I make the beat to this song after I'm done working on the beat I'm working on now.
I would like any possible feedback and criticism on this as I've spent a week off and on writing this in between stages of writer's block.
 
Instead of give you a critique I'll just ask some questions...

What does the hook convay? How are you putting yourself forward to everyone? Will people like this presentation or can the same message be put forward in a more effective way which people will respond to more positively?

What are the verses saying as the main message? Where is the message/story moving as we progress through the verses? Do you come off as looking for pity, how do you think people will respond to this?

Personally if I had wrote this song I would keep it to myself because it looks like a song for me, its not entertaining other people but its more of a record of my own life journey. You admitted yourself the rhyme scheme and flow are lacking, so I'll just leave it at that. Hope I helped and wasn't too harsh.
 
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"how do you think people will respond to this?" When I write stuff I don't really think about the reactions of people to what I write or how they might respond, I write to write and then rarely record it.

"Personally if I had wrote this song I would keep it to myself because it looks like a song for me, its not entertaining other people but its more of a record of my own life journey. You admitted yourself the rhyme scheme and flow are lacking, so I'll just leave it at that." I think that might be best for this piece.

"What does the hook convey?" The hook is my way of saying how everyday I am becoming a bit more stressed and unsure if I am capable of doing things of which I want to do very soon, and have to - such as attend a University, move out of my house, get a job, etc. In addition, the lines "Old me's left, I'm thinking about leaving" and "My life is over but I'm not done yet" are me saying how I have basically killed off my old self and old personality, which got me in a lot of trouble and lowered my GPA a lot due to chronic over procrastination that was a serious issue.

"What are the verses saying as the main message?" Verse 1 -
"The old me has died, committed suicide
And yet here I am still strong and alive" this is me saying again how I have basically killed off my old self and old personality, which got me in a lot of trouble and lowered my GPA a lot due to chronic over procrastination that was a serious issue
"Why in the world did I waste my time with girls
'specially when all they do is sit and twirl?
That was probably my biggest downfall yet
There was no reason to get in that mess" me briefly talking about my time wasted in my last relationship
"These voices keep me alone together
Helping me make my work get better" potential insanity

and the second verse basically describes my issues with what I write
 
I think it's great you have an idea of what you're doing but can you see the contradiction of writing a song for yourself then sharing it for criticism.

If you're writing it for yourself how does structure, rhyme scheme or anything for that matter need to be improved?
 
Olie said:
I think it's great you have an idea of what you're doing but can you see the contradiction of writing a song for yourself then sharing it for criticism.

If you're writing it for yourself how does structure, rhyme scheme or anything for that matter need to be improved?
Click to expand...
Because I'm a perfectionist and I strive to make everything I write and produce (games, raps, beats) as good as I can make them, if not better than that. I shared this so I could tell from others' opinions how far I have come with my writing.

To me, the structure, rhyme scheme and everything matter to me as I want to improve everything I make to make it as high quality as possible.

And yes I do the see the contradiction in doing this.
 
It seems like a personally depressed track that leads to no where, but a dead end. It doesn't have a positive foundation to stand on. This type of writing only attracts more depression because of the thoughts presented. I almost didn't want to read it (Skimmed through it). You should write from a place where you can guide people out of the darkness and not lead them to it.
 
I'm just writing what ever is on my mind, and what happens to me at different moments of my life. During the time of writing that I was in a darkness and was going through self hate and started to get over it when I finished writing it. I didn't write it to help people out of the darkness, I hardly ever write anything to do that. I wrote it because it was just something I could write about. If people want to relate to it, by all means they can. However, I did not nor will I possibly write something to guide people. I am not a cartographer, I do not guide people. I am a poet, I write stories of which may not have a beginning or end, they just are.
 
You don't have to guide people intentionally, because the words will guide themselves automatically just as you we're being guided to write whatever was on your mind at that particular time.
 
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Well, I do see your point...I'll see if I can write something in the next few days to guide people... But where and what to guide them to I don't know. I'll after to get spontaneously inspired or find the right beat.
 
Before you can ask where and what to guide people to, you should ask yourself where and what are you being guided to? You must first know yourself first before you can know what others want or need.
 
Are you a philosopher? From how deep your last messages are you are either a monk, a philosopher, or just someone who thinks very deeply. I love the suggestion, I guess I'll take a few days to get to know who I am a bit more.
 
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