1005
New member
"Confessions of a Video Vixen"
"Karrine “Super Head” Steffans' "Confessions of a Video Vixen” is here and she is dropping more dimes than Sammy The Bull and playboy Bruce Wayne! So, I heard Ja Rule has already cancelled scheduled radio appearances because the book has hit and son is called out like a challenge. Word to Rakim the god. She must have loved her some Ja, because she says she saved a sweaty sock of his as a souvenir of their sexual exploits. On the flip, I heard that Irv Gotti would regularly “give” Steffans to his homeys such as Ja for their enjoyment as well and he never got enough.
Now, we know Kobe sold Shaq up the river, but that’s got nothing on Super Head. She says Shaq gave her 10 stacks after they did the do. Of Vin Diesel, she said he was "a beautiful man [who was] blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [private zone]." She does not discriminate as she also bedded cuddle-prone rocker Fred Durst. Why are the white boys and the racially ambiguous the cream of the crop? PULLL-ZZEEE! Anyway, you know I’m the racial thinker – excuse that outburst.
Man, I don’t do ads, but I think you are going to have to go out and cop this one. She calls out P.Diddy, Kool G Rap, Usher and a whole bunch of other celebs. Of Bobby Brown, another Super Head fan, Steffans said, "he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him." She said that made her
Nobody we reached out to would comment on any of this. Personally, I think Karrine “Super Head” Steffans should link up with producer Stevie J…I think he could use her while she is using him. I hear beautiful music as the sunsets. And me? My ill seeds and her super….well never mind.
During my transformation, many old acquaintances were being left behind as new ones took their place. But one night, what was old became new again in the form of Usher Raymond.
In November 2004, I was dining with an acquaintance at the Los Angeles W Hotel restaurant and lounge, and I decided to leave around one in the morning. As I walked down the front steps and toward the valet, I stopped and looked up to see if my guest was behind me. He stood at the top of the stairs talking, and just then, someone came out of the W and motioned for me to walk toward him. As I approached this stranger, he introduced himself to me. “Hi, my name is Keith and I work for Usher. Usher’s in the building right now and would like to speak to you for a moment, if you would follow me.’
Usher and I spoke for just a couple of minutes that night as we stood in the middle of the heavily guarded VIP section of the W’s bar and restaurant. I noticed that we were being watched, so I gave Usher my number and told him to call me the next night--which he did.
Usher and I had first met back in 2000 on the steps of that very same hotel. I was leaving after having had dinner and he was just checking in. “Where are you going?” he asked softly as we crossed paths. I replied, “With you,” and made an immediate U-turn.
Usher and I spent the next several months together whenever he was in Los Angeles. What I remember most about our time spent together is taking breaks for long talks and bouts of laughter, eating Subway sandwiches in bed and ordering late-night room service, logging in long nights at the studio, watching him belt out singles for his then upcoming album 8701, making love every chance we could get. He was twenty years old then, and I was twenty-one. Usher was quiet and very attentive, always asking me if I was all right or if I needed anything. He was a simple man, without the constant security and Maybach Mercedes-Benz he travels with now. When he wasn’t in Los Angeles, we frequently kept in contact via telephone and two-way pager. He became a part of my life, and my feeling for him continued to grow until he fell in love with Chilli, one third of the group TLC. Over the next two years, as he and his relationship with Chilli matured, Usher and I lost touch.
After reuniting in late 2004, Usher and I began to see each other once again. I instantly saw a change in him and in the dynamics of our relationship. The soft and tender person I had known before was still there, but was often superseded by his more aloof side. I would be drawn in by his tender words and touch, only to be pushed away in a moment of cold reaction. On one particular night, I spent an hour or two in the lobby of his hotel having drinks with his manager, personal assistant, and younger brother, James. Usher joined us, and after a while he and I ventured upstairs to his suite. Turned on by his presence, I ripped his clothes, dropped to my knees, and ravished him. Usher seemed to be turned on by commanding me to do things sexually in a tone I found condescending and disrespectful. He stopped me from pleasuring him and began to question why I was there. He seemed under the impression that I hadn’t found love, that I was lost and confused in life. But he was wrong. The old Karrine might have been looking for love, for salvation, but the new Karrine saw the search for what it was. I wasn’t here because I was lonely or looking for my next high--emotional or otherwise; I was here because, given our past history and the friendship I believed we shared, I felt free to be adventurous with him. I wanted him to be the same man I had known five years earlier, but was surprised to find him much cockier and more withdrawn. He and I often battled for control of the situation. Many times we would have loud, uproarious fights. I remember the time his twenty-year-old brother, James, and I had been playfully flirting all night as a sort of running joke. From what I could tell, Usher took that as a sign that I wanted James, and spitefully, offered me to his brother.
“I saw you guys flirting, so why don’t you give him what you were going to give me.”
I shouted, “If I wanted to phuck your brother, he’d be phucked. I don’t need your permission!”
As he was screaming, “B!tch, get the phuck out!” I was already out of the door and down the hall. As the elevator doors opened, I took my first step into it, only to be dragged back by Usher. I felt he was playing a mental tug-of-war with me, and it seemed to be turning him on. He wasn’t the sex he wanted me for, it was the emotional manipulation. As usual, the night ended with apologies as we lay together on the couch, my head on his chest. For the time being, my tender friend was back. That type of disrespectful behavior would continue, and every time I saw him would be worse than the last. We fought and made up over and over again. As a result, my relationship with Usher became more stressful. Being with him had initially been comfortable and familiar. I genuinely liked him and felt he was a beautiful man, inside and out, despite the changes that had come with his success.
On December 23, 2004, I received a call from Usher’s personal assistant and manager telling me they were planning a surprise for him and I was eager to participate. The three of us piled into a black BMW 760 V12, and I disrobed in the backseat and adorned myself with a hotel robe. We drove to the set of Dying for Dolly, the movie Usher was in the middle of filming. I waited in the backseat as the guys went to fetch Usher from his trailer. As Usher piled into the backseat, he smiled as he eyes became focused on my naked body. Yet he didn’t seem very surprised. Per my request, Usher’s song Lovers and Friends, played over and over as we pulled off and headed to the Century City Plaza Park Hyatt.
I instantly took all of him into my mouth. He was immediately aroused and lay back in ecstasy while touching my most intimate parts. I’d had more than my share of martinis at the bar before arriving on the set, and it seemed as if I reached my sexual peak all at once, in the backseat with him. With every touch, I shivered. With every lick, he squirmed. I was ready, and so was he, and before we knew it, we had arrived at the hotel.
The driveway of the hotel was full of college students from Michigan State, who were in town for the Rose Bowl, not to mention hotel staff, guests, and visitors. Still, there was no hesitation as Usher and I walked into the hotel side by side. He held his head high as I walked beside him, holding the bathrobe together with just one hand, and my hair a mess. We were being obvious and Usher loved it.
In the hotel room, everything was just as usual. We enjoyed each other’s company at first, and then came another one of his talks. He was working so hard to build me up then belittle me, when all I wanted to do was share some time with my lover and friend. Then, to add insult to injury, after our simultaneous orgasms, Usher walked out of the suite, without saying a word to me. I found out he was with another woman in the suite next door. I had had enough. He was no longer a man I had know five years before, and I was worth more then he would ever he willing to give. I gathered my things and went home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shaquille O'Neal "was charmingly self-effacing about his sexual prowess and wanted to reduce my expectations," she writes. But "compared to other men," she assures readers, "he was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.
A small part in "A Man Apart" allowed Steffans to discover that star
Vin Diesel was "a beautiful man ... blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."
After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him ... felt like a privilege."
Sex with "insatiable" producer Irv Gotti "became more like a boxing match." During their affair, Steffans claims, Gotti lent her to his friends as he saw fit.
After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average." Ouch.
Steffans says she got around to Whitney Houston's husband, Bobby Brown, in late 2002. Steffans says she never saw him do drugs. But she worried for his mental health during a frantic encounter where "he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him."
She made Ja Rule promise to "always come back." But after he slipped out one morning before she woke up, "I looked around for something to take with me, something that would smell like him but wouldn't be missed. On the floor I found a balled-up sock, and I placed it to my face and got the fix I was searching for." Sniff.
Steffans also tells the whole story of her back-of-the-limo tryst with Usher.
None of the stars' reps we called yesterday responded by deadline. Their handlers can at least take comfort in knowing that, after years of self-destructive star-chasing, Steffans now says, "I am my own woman and look for no one to complete me."
….April 2000. I did experience genuine happiness around this time. I became involved with a young man. I was twenty-one, emotionally going on thirty-five, and he had just turned eighteen but physically looked much younger. I had seen him at a party the day before we met. We noticed each other, and those three seconds became six as we moved in slow motion around each other. Just as quickly, I blinked and he was gone. The following night, after another party, a girlfriend said she knew him and would take me to his house. Although he had just turned eighteen, he already had his own home and vehicle and lived very much the life of an adult. We were let in by his cousin, who said Ray was sleeping upstairs. Soon Ray stumbled down the stairs, having just been woken up and coming off a late night out. His eyes opened wide and were immediately drawn to me. Almost like there were clouds under his feet, he floated toward me and we were introduced. “Hi, I’m Ray.” You know him as Ray J, the younger brother of singer Brandy. Not much else about that night was committed to my memory, but it began one of the happiest times in my life. It was easy to fall in love with Ray. He brought back a part of my youth that had been stolen from me years before. Ray was single, with no children, which equaled no drama. And at that time I lived my life the same way. So much so that I never told Ray about my son-or anything else about me for that matter. When I went out with him, I felt ‘official.’ I was a girlfriend, and that’s entirely different from being just a lover.
Ray and I spent months together as I juggled him and Papa like a circus act. My relationship with Ray made Papa uncomfortable and even furious. Papa knew everything about me and accepted me just the way I was, but the one thing he could never tolerate was me loving someone else. And I loved Ray J. It was the first time since Papa and I met that I had given so much attention to another man. It was not normal, and Papa didn’t appreciate the change. Now, when Papa needed me, I wasn’t always available. This new relationship was special to me because with Ray J., I had someone to spend time with in public, as a couple. We held hands and let people know we were together. I was proud of that. Because Ray is a member of a tight-knit, well-known family, it’s not surprising that they didn’t approve of me. They knew I was older than him and they were concerned for him. What’s more, before meeting me, Ray had just gotten out of a relationship with one of the members of the girl group 702. His family had become accustomed to her being a part of his life, and here I was--a virtual stranger. Eventually, however, certain members of his family accepted us and we were free to enjoy our relationship.
When Ray and I made love, we would go for hours on end, each hour more satisfying than the last. Being with Ray was always sweet and innocent. His kisses were long and his lips were full and light as they met mine. He was young and still a bit inexperienced, and shied away from oral sex, but he would kiss all around my lower regions and make my body quiver just the same. It was with Ray that I discovered my ability to orgasm without penetration or copulation. I would be excited just from his touch. Ray was with me because he liked me. It was pure and this purity was so new to me that it had become more erotic than being with any other lover. After our lovemaking, we would pass out, him holding me and me feeling loved. Ray and I created a stir around town and people began to wonder what it was that I saw in him. He was so young and wasn’t yet respected as a major player among men. What no one could have possibly realized was that it took a younger man to make me feel young again. We were silly together, and we enjoyed spending long afternoons and nights together. We saw our favorite movies, like Big Momma’s House, starring Martin Lawrence and Nia Long, three or four times and enjoyed them each time as if it were the first time. I felt free with Ray. He awakened a desire in me to get my youth back and hold on tight.
[During the time Steffans was involved with Ray J, she was still sleeping with Ja Rule, Fred Durst, ’Papa’, and Dr. Dre.]
I hopped back on the merry-go-round and ran back to Ray, back to that place where I was safe and where having sex felt natural. Around this time, Ray had begun to work on an album. I remember vividly the night he recorded the song that would change everything. ’Where Do We Go from Here’ was a song about meeting someone and spending so much time with them, even beginning to love them, and wanting to know if it could, or should, be more. Ray stood in the recording booth, belted out that song, and accompanied it with tears. He cried, and I cried witnessing it. I loved this boy so much and wanted nothing more than to stay with him. But I knew that one day, I would have to go, that one day he would know who I had been with and render me unworthy of the affection he was now showing me. As much as I loved Ray, I was too deep in my lifestyle, with an undeniable reputation, to go back. I was still greedy. I wanted it all. I wanted Ray’s love. I wanted the carefree bling-filled lifestyle of hanging out with the likes of Ja and the laid-back, mind-blowing sex and friendship I relished with Papa. And more than anything, I wasn’t ready to settle down. The first time I’d tried to settle down with a man led to my wanting to die. I wasn’t going back there. So I knew the end of me and Ray was near and inevitable.
Later that night, when the recording of the song was finished, we lay in bed and played it over and over. We held on to each other and cried silently. It was all so overwhelming, and I knew that night he loved me, too. Before long, it was time for him to go away and record in Atlanta. I knew the separation would be difficult, but I really thought we could make it. What I didn’t know was that by this time, Ray was beginning to find out about me, and we were growing apart. I deeply wished I were someone different--that I was a normal girl without all the baggage, the sordid past. But I was who I was, and I had done what I had done. It was impossible to turn back. I couldn’t undo all of the abuse and the men. If he wanted to leave, I couldn’t stop him. Hell, I couldn’t blame him. What I could do, what I was also very good at, was run. And that’s what I did. I ran right to Papa again. I ran to the man who accepted me and away from the boy I knew couldn’t afford it. He was still in an impressionable stage of his life, and just the way I had swept in and made him think I was wonderful, his friends and peers in the industry would soon prove to him that the image I portrayed was all an illusion.
I almost wanted Ray to hate me so we could end it right there, quickly. In order to protect my heart, I wanted to let him go first because I knew he was about to do the same to me."
lol, ***** playd all of em.
"Karrine “Super Head” Steffans' "Confessions of a Video Vixen” is here and she is dropping more dimes than Sammy The Bull and playboy Bruce Wayne! So, I heard Ja Rule has already cancelled scheduled radio appearances because the book has hit and son is called out like a challenge. Word to Rakim the god. She must have loved her some Ja, because she says she saved a sweaty sock of his as a souvenir of their sexual exploits. On the flip, I heard that Irv Gotti would regularly “give” Steffans to his homeys such as Ja for their enjoyment as well and he never got enough.
Now, we know Kobe sold Shaq up the river, but that’s got nothing on Super Head. She says Shaq gave her 10 stacks after they did the do. Of Vin Diesel, she said he was "a beautiful man [who was] blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [private zone]." She does not discriminate as she also bedded cuddle-prone rocker Fred Durst. Why are the white boys and the racially ambiguous the cream of the crop? PULLL-ZZEEE! Anyway, you know I’m the racial thinker – excuse that outburst.
Man, I don’t do ads, but I think you are going to have to go out and cop this one. She calls out P.Diddy, Kool G Rap, Usher and a whole bunch of other celebs. Of Bobby Brown, another Super Head fan, Steffans said, "he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him." She said that made her
Nobody we reached out to would comment on any of this. Personally, I think Karrine “Super Head” Steffans should link up with producer Stevie J…I think he could use her while she is using him. I hear beautiful music as the sunsets. And me? My ill seeds and her super….well never mind.
During my transformation, many old acquaintances were being left behind as new ones took their place. But one night, what was old became new again in the form of Usher Raymond.
In November 2004, I was dining with an acquaintance at the Los Angeles W Hotel restaurant and lounge, and I decided to leave around one in the morning. As I walked down the front steps and toward the valet, I stopped and looked up to see if my guest was behind me. He stood at the top of the stairs talking, and just then, someone came out of the W and motioned for me to walk toward him. As I approached this stranger, he introduced himself to me. “Hi, my name is Keith and I work for Usher. Usher’s in the building right now and would like to speak to you for a moment, if you would follow me.’
Usher and I spoke for just a couple of minutes that night as we stood in the middle of the heavily guarded VIP section of the W’s bar and restaurant. I noticed that we were being watched, so I gave Usher my number and told him to call me the next night--which he did.
Usher and I had first met back in 2000 on the steps of that very same hotel. I was leaving after having had dinner and he was just checking in. “Where are you going?” he asked softly as we crossed paths. I replied, “With you,” and made an immediate U-turn.
Usher and I spent the next several months together whenever he was in Los Angeles. What I remember most about our time spent together is taking breaks for long talks and bouts of laughter, eating Subway sandwiches in bed and ordering late-night room service, logging in long nights at the studio, watching him belt out singles for his then upcoming album 8701, making love every chance we could get. He was twenty years old then, and I was twenty-one. Usher was quiet and very attentive, always asking me if I was all right or if I needed anything. He was a simple man, without the constant security and Maybach Mercedes-Benz he travels with now. When he wasn’t in Los Angeles, we frequently kept in contact via telephone and two-way pager. He became a part of my life, and my feeling for him continued to grow until he fell in love with Chilli, one third of the group TLC. Over the next two years, as he and his relationship with Chilli matured, Usher and I lost touch.
After reuniting in late 2004, Usher and I began to see each other once again. I instantly saw a change in him and in the dynamics of our relationship. The soft and tender person I had known before was still there, but was often superseded by his more aloof side. I would be drawn in by his tender words and touch, only to be pushed away in a moment of cold reaction. On one particular night, I spent an hour or two in the lobby of his hotel having drinks with his manager, personal assistant, and younger brother, James. Usher joined us, and after a while he and I ventured upstairs to his suite. Turned on by his presence, I ripped his clothes, dropped to my knees, and ravished him. Usher seemed to be turned on by commanding me to do things sexually in a tone I found condescending and disrespectful. He stopped me from pleasuring him and began to question why I was there. He seemed under the impression that I hadn’t found love, that I was lost and confused in life. But he was wrong. The old Karrine might have been looking for love, for salvation, but the new Karrine saw the search for what it was. I wasn’t here because I was lonely or looking for my next high--emotional or otherwise; I was here because, given our past history and the friendship I believed we shared, I felt free to be adventurous with him. I wanted him to be the same man I had known five years earlier, but was surprised to find him much cockier and more withdrawn. He and I often battled for control of the situation. Many times we would have loud, uproarious fights. I remember the time his twenty-year-old brother, James, and I had been playfully flirting all night as a sort of running joke. From what I could tell, Usher took that as a sign that I wanted James, and spitefully, offered me to his brother.
“I saw you guys flirting, so why don’t you give him what you were going to give me.”
I shouted, “If I wanted to phuck your brother, he’d be phucked. I don’t need your permission!”
As he was screaming, “B!tch, get the phuck out!” I was already out of the door and down the hall. As the elevator doors opened, I took my first step into it, only to be dragged back by Usher. I felt he was playing a mental tug-of-war with me, and it seemed to be turning him on. He wasn’t the sex he wanted me for, it was the emotional manipulation. As usual, the night ended with apologies as we lay together on the couch, my head on his chest. For the time being, my tender friend was back. That type of disrespectful behavior would continue, and every time I saw him would be worse than the last. We fought and made up over and over again. As a result, my relationship with Usher became more stressful. Being with him had initially been comfortable and familiar. I genuinely liked him and felt he was a beautiful man, inside and out, despite the changes that had come with his success.
On December 23, 2004, I received a call from Usher’s personal assistant and manager telling me they were planning a surprise for him and I was eager to participate. The three of us piled into a black BMW 760 V12, and I disrobed in the backseat and adorned myself with a hotel robe. We drove to the set of Dying for Dolly, the movie Usher was in the middle of filming. I waited in the backseat as the guys went to fetch Usher from his trailer. As Usher piled into the backseat, he smiled as he eyes became focused on my naked body. Yet he didn’t seem very surprised. Per my request, Usher’s song Lovers and Friends, played over and over as we pulled off and headed to the Century City Plaza Park Hyatt.
I instantly took all of him into my mouth. He was immediately aroused and lay back in ecstasy while touching my most intimate parts. I’d had more than my share of martinis at the bar before arriving on the set, and it seemed as if I reached my sexual peak all at once, in the backseat with him. With every touch, I shivered. With every lick, he squirmed. I was ready, and so was he, and before we knew it, we had arrived at the hotel.
The driveway of the hotel was full of college students from Michigan State, who were in town for the Rose Bowl, not to mention hotel staff, guests, and visitors. Still, there was no hesitation as Usher and I walked into the hotel side by side. He held his head high as I walked beside him, holding the bathrobe together with just one hand, and my hair a mess. We were being obvious and Usher loved it.
In the hotel room, everything was just as usual. We enjoyed each other’s company at first, and then came another one of his talks. He was working so hard to build me up then belittle me, when all I wanted to do was share some time with my lover and friend. Then, to add insult to injury, after our simultaneous orgasms, Usher walked out of the suite, without saying a word to me. I found out he was with another woman in the suite next door. I had had enough. He was no longer a man I had know five years before, and I was worth more then he would ever he willing to give. I gathered my things and went home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shaquille O'Neal "was charmingly self-effacing about his sexual prowess and wanted to reduce my expectations," she writes. But "compared to other men," she assures readers, "he was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.
A small part in "A Man Apart" allowed Steffans to discover that star
Vin Diesel was "a beautiful man ... blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."
After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him ... felt like a privilege."
Sex with "insatiable" producer Irv Gotti "became more like a boxing match." During their affair, Steffans claims, Gotti lent her to his friends as he saw fit.
After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average." Ouch.
Steffans says she got around to Whitney Houston's husband, Bobby Brown, in late 2002. Steffans says she never saw him do drugs. But she worried for his mental health during a frantic encounter where "he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him."
She made Ja Rule promise to "always come back." But after he slipped out one morning before she woke up, "I looked around for something to take with me, something that would smell like him but wouldn't be missed. On the floor I found a balled-up sock, and I placed it to my face and got the fix I was searching for." Sniff.
Steffans also tells the whole story of her back-of-the-limo tryst with Usher.
None of the stars' reps we called yesterday responded by deadline. Their handlers can at least take comfort in knowing that, after years of self-destructive star-chasing, Steffans now says, "I am my own woman and look for no one to complete me."
….April 2000. I did experience genuine happiness around this time. I became involved with a young man. I was twenty-one, emotionally going on thirty-five, and he had just turned eighteen but physically looked much younger. I had seen him at a party the day before we met. We noticed each other, and those three seconds became six as we moved in slow motion around each other. Just as quickly, I blinked and he was gone. The following night, after another party, a girlfriend said she knew him and would take me to his house. Although he had just turned eighteen, he already had his own home and vehicle and lived very much the life of an adult. We were let in by his cousin, who said Ray was sleeping upstairs. Soon Ray stumbled down the stairs, having just been woken up and coming off a late night out. His eyes opened wide and were immediately drawn to me. Almost like there were clouds under his feet, he floated toward me and we were introduced. “Hi, I’m Ray.” You know him as Ray J, the younger brother of singer Brandy. Not much else about that night was committed to my memory, but it began one of the happiest times in my life. It was easy to fall in love with Ray. He brought back a part of my youth that had been stolen from me years before. Ray was single, with no children, which equaled no drama. And at that time I lived my life the same way. So much so that I never told Ray about my son-or anything else about me for that matter. When I went out with him, I felt ‘official.’ I was a girlfriend, and that’s entirely different from being just a lover.
Ray and I spent months together as I juggled him and Papa like a circus act. My relationship with Ray made Papa uncomfortable and even furious. Papa knew everything about me and accepted me just the way I was, but the one thing he could never tolerate was me loving someone else. And I loved Ray J. It was the first time since Papa and I met that I had given so much attention to another man. It was not normal, and Papa didn’t appreciate the change. Now, when Papa needed me, I wasn’t always available. This new relationship was special to me because with Ray J., I had someone to spend time with in public, as a couple. We held hands and let people know we were together. I was proud of that. Because Ray is a member of a tight-knit, well-known family, it’s not surprising that they didn’t approve of me. They knew I was older than him and they were concerned for him. What’s more, before meeting me, Ray had just gotten out of a relationship with one of the members of the girl group 702. His family had become accustomed to her being a part of his life, and here I was--a virtual stranger. Eventually, however, certain members of his family accepted us and we were free to enjoy our relationship.
When Ray and I made love, we would go for hours on end, each hour more satisfying than the last. Being with Ray was always sweet and innocent. His kisses were long and his lips were full and light as they met mine. He was young and still a bit inexperienced, and shied away from oral sex, but he would kiss all around my lower regions and make my body quiver just the same. It was with Ray that I discovered my ability to orgasm without penetration or copulation. I would be excited just from his touch. Ray was with me because he liked me. It was pure and this purity was so new to me that it had become more erotic than being with any other lover. After our lovemaking, we would pass out, him holding me and me feeling loved. Ray and I created a stir around town and people began to wonder what it was that I saw in him. He was so young and wasn’t yet respected as a major player among men. What no one could have possibly realized was that it took a younger man to make me feel young again. We were silly together, and we enjoyed spending long afternoons and nights together. We saw our favorite movies, like Big Momma’s House, starring Martin Lawrence and Nia Long, three or four times and enjoyed them each time as if it were the first time. I felt free with Ray. He awakened a desire in me to get my youth back and hold on tight.
[During the time Steffans was involved with Ray J, she was still sleeping with Ja Rule, Fred Durst, ’Papa’, and Dr. Dre.]
I hopped back on the merry-go-round and ran back to Ray, back to that place where I was safe and where having sex felt natural. Around this time, Ray had begun to work on an album. I remember vividly the night he recorded the song that would change everything. ’Where Do We Go from Here’ was a song about meeting someone and spending so much time with them, even beginning to love them, and wanting to know if it could, or should, be more. Ray stood in the recording booth, belted out that song, and accompanied it with tears. He cried, and I cried witnessing it. I loved this boy so much and wanted nothing more than to stay with him. But I knew that one day, I would have to go, that one day he would know who I had been with and render me unworthy of the affection he was now showing me. As much as I loved Ray, I was too deep in my lifestyle, with an undeniable reputation, to go back. I was still greedy. I wanted it all. I wanted Ray’s love. I wanted the carefree bling-filled lifestyle of hanging out with the likes of Ja and the laid-back, mind-blowing sex and friendship I relished with Papa. And more than anything, I wasn’t ready to settle down. The first time I’d tried to settle down with a man led to my wanting to die. I wasn’t going back there. So I knew the end of me and Ray was near and inevitable.
Later that night, when the recording of the song was finished, we lay in bed and played it over and over. We held on to each other and cried silently. It was all so overwhelming, and I knew that night he loved me, too. Before long, it was time for him to go away and record in Atlanta. I knew the separation would be difficult, but I really thought we could make it. What I didn’t know was that by this time, Ray was beginning to find out about me, and we were growing apart. I deeply wished I were someone different--that I was a normal girl without all the baggage, the sordid past. But I was who I was, and I had done what I had done. It was impossible to turn back. I couldn’t undo all of the abuse and the men. If he wanted to leave, I couldn’t stop him. Hell, I couldn’t blame him. What I could do, what I was also very good at, was run. And that’s what I did. I ran right to Papa again. I ran to the man who accepted me and away from the boy I knew couldn’t afford it. He was still in an impressionable stage of his life, and just the way I had swept in and made him think I was wonderful, his friends and peers in the industry would soon prove to him that the image I portrayed was all an illusion.
I almost wanted Ray to hate me so we could end it right there, quickly. In order to protect my heart, I wanted to let him go first because I knew he was about to do the same to me."
lol, ***** playd all of em.
..but not too interested..no Dipset