Beginner Rapper looking for an opinion

C

Crepitus

New member
Hey guys.
Im Crepitus and Ive been rapping for a while but it was really just messing around.
My mates really love my words and they think I can make it somewhere so I want to look for your opinion.
This song is called Controls and it was basically about you able to make your own decisions and be able to control your life just like in a video game but overall you have to stay yourself.
(There will be one more verse)


[Controls]
I live on the edge
Which they say I drink too much
Nah. **** that that, My problem is that I think too much
And in such a world where your problem’s everyone else’s
But I don’t got no kings, so kneel to me, elegences
My defence is my attack
Got no tactics, an emigrant’s
Biggest wish is to get accepted
But the concept of acceptance
Is by me neglected
Ive been sent to this world to make people uncomfortable
But Im able to reverse this, its manual
Everyone’s granual.
Trapped in a glass, I can spill but Ill pass
Cause I don’t give 2 shits about no little bits
It seeps through me like water
Could be holy, why bother?
The efforts of Our father
Make a brother, undercover
Call me a magician
Cause I have a mission
To kick the new rap out
And magically bring the old one back
Im packed with ideas
But enemieas
Got me trapped in a box
Hearing knocks on the roof
**** it Ive had enough
Like a stuffed dog I stand
I don’t bark on command
Commander can you please end this?
Shooting at innocents is
Cencorable if you just close the door
On the media, the bias, the pain and the lies
Sly as a fox
I tear through the box
To see sunshine at last
But the beauty can hurt
Ive been in darkness too long
Im tired of sin
So I crawl back in
And relax myself
Cause not caring can help

[Hook]
Sometimes you got to forget the world
Express yourself
Cuz u aint stuck on default
Charge your battery
And manage your controls
Whatever makes it easier
Only one
Game can run


[Verse 2]
People running up to me with problems
Protesting about my controls
My response “That just how I roll”
I don’t use it, but I do have a soul
Maybe Im not human
Don’t regret nothing Ive done
It was just another life lesson
But guess theres 2 parts of me
Pardon me, for graciously
Leaving graffiti, for everyone to see
In the deepest part of your imagination
Im sorry, Im the incarnation of the devil’s son
But…
My God this world is insanity
Im looking for answers, enlighten me
Everyone seems to be my enemy
Standing up for myself aint no bravery
Yet it seems to be a crime
So about this nonsense I rhyme
**** school, Im too old for that shit
Religion and Mathematical grids
For that shit I wont make a few quids
All my schoolmates look at me queerly
Cuz I publish songs to quit early
I rarely thought of it this way
But I learned the world’s, shades of grey
Daydreaming about running away
During study time, during Geographay
Cause I cant endure without a cure
They lure me left but I know my right for which I fight
So I write these lines, simple meaningful
They expect me to give credit to the culprit
But if I respected law Id be a hypocrite
So **** the judges and **** the cops
**** the teachers and **** the knobs
They given props for results
For personality insult
Then they wonder why my day is dull
Cause I’m true, but what people love is fake
Like Coca Cola, replicas and rappers like Drake
I shuffle cards but no one plays
Still I embrace the pace
And I can’t say grace
Cause I don’t know whats real
Cause the fake face they trace
And Im sick and tired
Of not being admired
Constantly wired
My patience expired
 
Your song was good, had a good message and all that jazz but there is something lacking:

Uniqueness

If you were to record this song that's what would make everyone want to listen to it.
Your song right now sounds cliche, you've got to remember that being an MC is an art, you got to express yourself,(which you've done) but do it in a fancy way if you get my drift. Try to add complex metaphors and such, add to your writing techniques. A great example of this would be Lupe Fiasco's track "Gotta Eat". He writes the whole song from the perspective of a cheeseburger. If you took that same concept and applied it to your song it would separate itself from the other god-knows rap songs out in this world. Example:

"My patience expired"
could be
"I'm expired"
if written from a cheeseburger's perspective


Just basically make it more poetic.
 

Are you going to rap over a beat? Words don't really have meaning on a screen. We need to hear you actually rap the words to give a better opinion.
 
The first verse started somewhat okay for like the 3 lines, then you just lost me in translation. I think you need to work on cadence, delivery, and metaphors.
 
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