Rap #4: The Vision - RATE MY LYRICS/FEEDBACK

R

RebIIIrth

Guest
I looked into your eyes and all I found was pain inside,
Take me on a ride, Show me all your troubles,
Ain't no need to cry,
People telling lies claiming that you just need to die,
In the night, Suicide isn't an option,
You just need some sight,
Look into the future and behold your life be bright,
It's a fresh new start to life,
Screw them others just take flight,
Spread your wings,
Let 'em see that you've grown out to be a king,
Or the vision of a Queen,
People envision a person who never spent time conversing with the wrong people up in the streets,
Not ready don't take a leap,
Stand strong on your feet,
Now and then people just want a piece but you just don't appease,
To the issues they might bring,
Now it's time for me to leave but I'll just let you do your thing,
I'll just make my way back out your eyes don't tell me if it stings,
If it do then truth be told my name is not just for the game,
It's to help people with shame and let them get rid of their pain,
RebIIIrth is the name,
Rap and Hip Hop is the game,
Let's spark up a chain and give out change.
 
Cool lyrics Bro. Im gonna give you my advice on lyrics. Try adding in some doubles. Like "bomb detonation-calm respiration or halfwit-last hit etc etc. Youve gotta add in doubles triples etc, and change the structure from being too simple. Hope you continue writing though. Hope I helped.
 
Bro I've honestly never thought of that. I definitely will hit my lyrics up with that, it sounds great though. Thanks man. You should listen to A$AP Rocky's Ghetto Symphony Instrumental while reading these lyrics, i'm sure it'll go great with it.
 
I'm going to try it out, probably will post a thread just for those doubles and triples. Thank you!
 
Good Lyrics Man, Especially if your just starting. I would try throw in a few metaphors and double and triple but don't get carried away with it. If you are actually telling a story in a song I wouldn't even worry about the doubling and tripling as much. Just keep writing your off to a good start.
 
I disagree with everyone who said you should try multi-syllable rhyme schemes, IF they were referring to using it in this work. Other peices, cool. This one, no.
 
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