Can I get some feedback on my lyrics?

ShadowMercure

New member
Disclaimer: not all the lyrics are factual and some do not make sense or directly contrast what is actually happening on the subject matter. This is simply whatever I came up with that rhymed.

It’s been 15 years since I was celebrated/ as the next of my kin, I felt appreciated to take on the condescending position/ of the third born son/ I felt gratuitous for my birth/till I realised I was of no worth, birthed from the ashes of the great/ I grit my teeth as my fate is decided/ by those who resided/ in my home, my spiritual little dome of happiness/ enlightenment but now it’s all taken away by the confederation/ held em at bay long enough to con the federal agents to leave/ my family alone/ but I was pushed aside in contempt of the law/ so i fought with all my power/ valour/ dignity as I push the offensive/ they call me controversial for my thoughts on the actions of our government/ tell me, how are we a great nation if we pledge our allegiance to those we deem mischevious/


like ISIS or Hezbollah/ Knock on my door and tell me that my wife is gone/ or my son’s were killed by the very men that swore to protect the fidelity of our nation/ is it a call to action to die for our freedom/ or to die for the sake of martyrdom? I can’t accept the fact that we have to get involved/ in the middle east/ blindly following America’s guidance/ while children can barely eat/ we’re outfitted with weapons to infringe on the lives of innocent civilians/ while we’re expected to shoot on site/ I’m not gonna bite/ we’ve evolved far past that stage of murder/ we’re civilised so let’s mobilise our neurons and get working/ towards a brighter future, without every couple soldier needing dental sutures/ it’s our culture/ our land/ but not our government/ you call this democracy/ it’s hypocrisy/ fighting against this capitalist society


I wanna kill the man who introduced conformity to power/ as if the laws tower over the people and screw them over/ so as to not break the law/ we have to break our bones to benefit of those government cronies who pocket money from the corporations/ telling us we can’t afford operations cos we don’t have enough in our pockets. So They pull out guns and shoot our eye sockets/ hoping for a change in attitude and to crush our will/ But ill just pop another pill and stand strong while you beat me with the thong/ that was thrown at bush so long ago/ can’t you see the hatred for the government grows/ every day I can’t believe you can’t see the people yelling and screaming at your doorstep/ you barely even listen to the poor/ you step over them/ like they’re maggots covering the floor/ you call this fair law?
 
I'm a songwriter myself and it seems like it would kind of sound more like spoken word than a song because of the change ups in the rhyme sequence, but it sound like it might be more official if I heard it. Try putting some audio to a beat and see what it sounds like.
 
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