Pretty cool song! Honestly I think with some extra production this song could shine like you probably envision it sounding. The vocals are suitable for this type of music. I may be wrong about this, but it sounds like this mix is in mono or something - maybe you have everything panned to the center? For guitars I usually dual track and pan one hard left and the other hard right. In general the guitars could probably have some of the harshness EQ'd out, compressed a bit and reduced in volume - there are some spots where they are just right and others too loud.
For bass I pan it center, but I compress the daylight out of it, boost the 150-250 range, and then boost the high shelf a ton. I'm in a more metal type genre when I do this, so it may not apply to you. However its pretty common to want to have every bass note be very uniform in volume and have a crisp attack.
The vocals could be louder. Maybe i'm just obsessed with compression, but I compress my vocals to the point where every little vocal sound is almost the same volume. It may not work for your genre, but most genre's have succumb to the loudness wars where people expect everything super flat - then it comes down to the tonality and volume of parts to be the song dynamic. It would be cool if you did something to vary the sound of the vocals from section to section. Maybe some reverb in the verses and then mix in some distortion on the chorus vocals to add some edge.
Of course I may be wrong about all of this, its hard to know without seeing what you've already done to the mix and being able to try stuff live. But these are my first impressions. Overall its a cool song and pretty solid mix, I just wouldn't call it a 'production level' mix for something you'd release on iTunes or whatever.