It's a good idea, but yeah, it needs a bit of work.
I'm not sure if its how the instruments were recorded or if you've EQ'd them,
but they sound a bit thin, and the track doesn't have a whole lot of "body" to it.
I'd try and add something to fill it out, there's a lot of high end and bass but not much mid/low-mid
Though the main thing i'd focus on is the drums and the bass.
IMHO the bass sound you've used a bit too fake,
and I'd swap it out for something more solid.
I'd also use much grittier, harder hitting drums.
It sounds like it could be a real thugging track,
but the drums need to be punchier and louder in the mix
Keep reworking it if you can,
I'd love to hear
the progression of it.