The idea is interesting. First thing that I tend to hear is how sounds are not equal at their velocity. It is throwing me off. Maybe bus compressor will help? Second one is - my ear can't grasp what I need to listen to. What is the main theme? I mean, what is a red line across the track? It sounds more like an intro, I guess. I know, I know, its a lo-fi. It doesn't have to have a story per se, but I feel like this track wants to have a story line. So close, but so far away. Idk, maybe it was actually your idea to make this feeling.