A new song, looking for feedback.

J

JewieThomsen

New member
Hey all, i wrote a new song, would like some feedback.


i still press you're letters to my lips,
and feel your skin against my fingertips,
you caught me in a cage,
and the key is lost in rage,
and it seems it'll never stop
the storys end is a blank page,

and i just wish for these wounds to mend,
but you hurt me in the end,
and i believed that our love was blind,
but you opened up my mind,
yet i still can't see,
why we could never be,
cause i would've gotten on one knee,
just to make sure it was you and me.


but you made me the enemy,
said i was caught by insanity,
but you're a necessity,
without you, i cannot Iive,
if I'm alone, i have nothing to give,
but the bonds turned stiff,
no space where to bend,
you had no more letters to send,
our love had come to an end
this is too much to contend,
i guess i should have known your love was lent.

all i ever wanted was your kiss,
your smell, your love's bliss,
now i can't see no light,
it seems love really is blind,
but we lost the fight,
only darkness in my sight.

spit your hate on my soul,
it seems my death is your final goal,
i gave you nothing to hate,
yet it seems you cherish this fate.


Thanks in advance.
 
I like it! Feels more like poetry to some degree than an actual song, but I'd be interested to see how you mould this to a beat/instrumental.

In this framework, it's understandable that you have fair short lines and you're focussing on rhyming every line with the previous, but I think in the context of a song, you might want to consider interspersing some longer lines in there, just to keep things fresh. Unless of course the lyrics are to be sung...

I also like how the lyrics slowly transform into stronger imagery towards the end, very nicely done!
 
Thanks ! It means alot to me, and i guess you're right, I' might be more of a poet than a song writer - but thanks alot, and especially the last comment - you were spot on, that's what i wanted to do ;)

---------- Post added 09-26-2011 at 05:15 PM ---------- Previous post was 09-22-2011 at 02:57 PM ----------

Anyone else got something to add ? ;)
 
I like it. Simple rhymes, but if it's intended to be sung, I can see how it would work. I'd be interested in listening to it
 
Thanks ! It is definitely meant to be sung, yet I'm afraid it hasn't worked out as a song yet - since i'm a terrible singer, and i don't know anyone to sing it ;)
 
Keep this up and you ll have your own poetry book like tupac i got 2 commend you on your honesty about a women in this song and luv i dont think i would ever allow myself to be this emotional for some 1 let alone write about it bt the rhythm and choice of words was excellent i would like hear some more stuff in the future from you
 
ashwin.b said:
I like it! Feels more like poetry to some degree than an actual song, but I'd be interested to see how you mould this to a beat/instrumental.

In this framework, it's understandable that you have fair short lines and you're focussing on rhyming every line with the previous, but I think in the context of a song, you might want to consider interspersing some longer lines in there, just to keep things fresh. Unless of course the lyrics are to be sung...

I also like how the lyrics slowly transform into stronger imagery towards the end, very nicely done!
Click to expand...

I agree and also it probably sounds different in my head then it did in yours because it's just written.
 
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