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Thread: Rate my Lyrics?

  1. #1
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    Rate my Lyrics?

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    shit you seem kinda mad
    how 'bout you go run a lap, refresh, relax
    but you best prepare for another verbal attack
    bombard the track, til you realize, alas alack
    why the hell your rhymes are wack
    take a crack, but shit nobody's got your back
    i don't give a knick knack paddywhack,
    stab ya with a thumbtack, to a wall like a motha****in' award plaque.
    be ready, as i flow so viciously,
    do it so maliciously,
    strike ya down like a christmas tree
    yeah, i rhyme until infinity
    you ain't kin to me, so i'll destroy your family history
    nobody's as ill as me, i kill mcs, til i see,
    that i've made each and every single one of em flee.
    you must be wonderin', what the hell just happened?
    your brain went dead, starved from a lyrical famine
    your gassed up like a pump, slammed like a dunk,
    beat down like a punk, your raps stink like a skunk,
    speechless like a chump, i teach this, and you flunk,
    go drive while drunk, with your career in the trunk.
    and i hope you crash, head on with a truck
    and you realize, you ain't even got an ounce of luck.
    so better what next time, maybe you'll have a lifeline
    a pistol with a bullet so that you can resign.

  2. #2
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    I like the lyrics especially the play on words with the crack, shit and back part but it has a simple rhyme scheme and a consistent flow that doesnt change

  3. #3
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    Ehh man, I can tell you were going after a battle rap type verse. I'm going to be straight with you,
    most of these rhymes are single syllable schemes with a LOT of cheesy lines intertwined.

    Constructive criticism:

    Rhymeschemes, wordplay, literary devices.

    "why the hell your rhymes are wack
    take a crack, but shit nobody's got your back
    i don't give a knick knack paddywhack,
    stab ya with a thumbtack, to a wall like a motha****in' award plaque"

    This four bar scheme has no content, no direction and nothing that will peak a listeners/readers attention.

    Try thinking of a direction you want your verse based on..or even a 2 or 4 scheme based on. Without seeking an end result (topic)
    you'll just be running around in circles, which is what i picked up from your verse...... just sayin...
    Also expand your rhyme scheme variations. Lack, back, crack, attack. YES..they rhyme... mother goose knew that too.

    Try rhyming MORE than just the end of the Sentence consistently, this will affect your flow but will be more advantageous over time.
    It just sounds better to be honest.

    take this four bar scheme for example, its a 5-syllable rhyme scheme instead of one..i would start with two and progress from there.

    "not making tracks for the FASHION INDUSTRIES,
    most raps are on the backs of my NAPKINS AND RECEIPTS..
    I put PASSION INTO BEATS, ESTABLISH INNER PEACE..
    cuz for me its leaving scenery while TRAVELLING THE STREETS"

    This can help alot making your flows sound tight and unique.. experiment with 2,3,4 syllable schemes.

    Also literary devices and wordplay will definitely help with content. In my previous four bar there was no wordplay.

    For example you said "stink like a skunk" - CHEEESE.. straight up.

    too obvious.. take more time conjuring up more complicated wordplay.

    Take a SHAD K line for example:

    "you couldnt RAP THIS TIGHT with a zig zag"

    dual meaning...errr...double entendre...

    or even "rappin tighter than a boa constrictor"

    But use the wordplay, metaphors to accentuate what youre talking about (topic)
    or it will sound useless and stupid.

    Im being harsh for a reason..But take it as constructive criticism or dont take it at all.
    Everyone has there own style.. But IMO these few general concepts will help you grow. Jus sayin...

  4. #4
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    C+ fundamentally sound
    want people to see you fly in the radar


    www.earnyoustar.com

  5. #5
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    i'll give a it a c+ grade. listen to a dope beat when u write. it;ll bring the best out of ou

  6. #6
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    Pretty average. Not terrible not great.

    Quote Originally Posted by Exist View Post
    your gassed up like a pump, slammed like a dunk,
    beat down like a punk, your raps stink like a skunk,
    speechless like a chump
    If you're gonna do this (you're x like x) 5 times in a row, you gotta have better similes. It's okay to throw in a line like that every now and then, just to make it fit or whatever. But don't build a song or a verse around them.

    go drive while drunk, with your career in the trunk.
    I dig it.

  7. #7
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    Thanks everyone for the feedback, especially edWORDS. Thanks a lot for the info on multi-syllable rhymes, I'll make sure that I remember that. and Mafioso, I'll definitely try listening to a beat next time.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Exist View Post
    shit you seem kinda mad
    how 'bout you go run a lap, refresh, relax
    but you best prepare for another verbal attack
    bombard the track, til you realize, alas alack
    why the hell your rhymes are wack
    take a crack, but shit nobody's got your back
    i don't give a knick knack paddywhack,
    stab ya with a thumbtack, to a wall like a motha****in' award plaque.
    be ready, as i flow so viciously,
    do it so maliciously,
    strike ya down like a christmas tree
    yeah, i rhyme until infinity
    you ain't kin to me, so i'll destroy your family history
    nobody's as ill as me, i kill mcs, til i see,
    that i've made each and every single one of em flee.
    you must be wonderin', what the hell just happened?
    your brain went dead, starved from a lyrical famine
    your gassed up like a pump, slammed like a dunk,
    beat down like a punk, your raps stink like a skunk,
    speechless like a chump, i teach this, and you flunk,
    go drive while drunk, with your career in the trunk.
    and i hope you crash, head on with a truck
    and you realize, you ain't even got an ounce of luck.
    so better what next time, maybe you'll have a lifeline
    a pistol with a bullet so that you can resign.
    I'll give about a 7/10. Can tell your like a battle rapper?

  9. #9
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    This is heavy dude, stay real!
    Peace out, Stay in the game. Check out my beats! https://www.soundcloud.com/DjStereoBeatz

  10. #10
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    Gettin excited over 10 dollar tips,
    Shit,
    It cost more than that to see a ******* tits,
    See how this world fits you in,
    Doesn't matter what situation you're in,
    Cause you're in for it,
    Regardless you'll be pinpointed,
    By the worlds dagger,
    You get stabbed and stagger,
    Plummet to your death and see the hereafter,
    See how the worlds after you?
    Its actually,
    mathematically mastered to cause atrophy,
    A disaster at your feet,
    It causes blasphemy,
    While you try to make sense of whats happening,
    The world'll keep passing,
    Giving you no time to take action,
    And you're still on the same fraction,
    Unable to encounter an interaction,
    Cause you've been framed in mid action,
    Frozen in time as it goes by,
    Your mind stays stagnant,
    Held up in a fragment of reality like damn it,
    Back again?
    I need to vanish,
    Cease to vanquish My own thoughts its a bank with,
    Untethered anguish,
    Im smothered in angst and,
    Thats not even the main dish,
    Life is my main *****,
    Its insane shit,
    My brain cant take the strain,
    its in pain that keeps gaining,
    and i just cant get over it its making me contemplate hangin myself up in a strangers house,
    As strange as it sounds,
    Coming from your basement,
    You wanna come down but you stay still,
    Copy and paste to anyone who's in my place now,
    I lay face down in a space gown,
    Im floating,
    Im golden,
    Im going,
    Im chosen,
    Everyone knows it,
    Life's a ***** and you have to own it,
    I could be the one who told it,
    And still do nothing to uphold it.

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