feedback

[one-plus]

some ish i wrote about my ex. its not done, but heads are sayin i should finish it....lemme know whut yall think.


this ish ive dedicated it
to the illest-fated relationship of my past
i was an ***
the truth at last
but that was me back in the days
im amazed that i made it this far wit a cold heart
it was so hard
adjustin w/o you in my life
when that bond that we had, that was so tight
was non-existant
i miss it
reminiscin everytime i hear your name
all that ish i did to you- a f'ckin shame
playin them f'kin games
f'kin them dames
steady f'kin up that one good thing we had together
thru good or bad weather
we shoulda lasted forever
so i never thought it ever come down to this
to where we would split
stop talkin and ish
and hangin out
but that's whut separation's about
ive had my doubts
im sure youve had some of the same
flashbacks of when ive tapped that
whuts my name?
but things have changed
youve been actin kinda strange
you seem deranged
but youre free to do your thing
so ima do mine
everythin will fine and dandy
you can still call
il always come in handy
ill be a man of advice, be proctective
even deal wit you bitchin about how you feel neglected
by that other n'gga your wit
like i give a ish
i must admit you still get on my last nerves
still got love for you, so thats whut my *** deserves

(no chorus yet . second and third verses under construction. as you can see, this verse is longer than the usual 16 bars....i hate formats)
-oneplus

 

[PRAY]

It's got some potential

If you throw some good music to it you could make it work 4sha.

A little advice though, it's a little long for a verse, we all hate stucture but people who buy records need it, and thats a fact.To me I love being a rap artist so much I gotta do it for a living, if you can't make it pay the rent then it's a hobby.
also:
You might wanna try maybe diggin a little deeper for the less obvious rhyme, I aint hatin by any means I'm just tryin to keep it real, we gotta give eachother the real goods up in here, so that we can all help eachother reach for the sky !!!
Keep writin, keep looking for inspiration where it comes !

PRAY

 

[thadon41]

Ok

Firstly, I dont think there is any set format to a rap song. Its your tune, so make the way you feel.. Also, I think that you should try to write without mentioning yourself too much....many new cats do this, Man i still even do it.. sounds dumb, but it dont sound good when your like ' She hurt me bout how i feel, what bout me i got it hard enough stayin real' not your words but you get the point ? ..just make it sound like your talking about 'breakups' in general and not just yours. Im sure flare etc will disagree with me on this