Beginner wants criticism

Nexus-

New member
Hey, I'm a french guy form Quebec of 16 years old (so my english's not that bad, but I'd so wanna be better :p) and I actually began to write more seriously since this school year. So I found this website and now I'd ask you what you think of some parts of what I'm able to write (as my worst default is how I manipulate english and that I don't always know if what I write makes sense :p)

a) I've difficulties when I talk
But now I've the possibility to talk on paper,
To write my thoughts and I'd do it even
If I was under thunder-like teaser effects
I wonder what Bieber-The-Beaver would do, ehr
Maybe she's The Purple Killer, The Purple Dealer, I don't know her...
Scuze me mommy's home so I'll come back
Hey I'm here, How can I live with no cheers?
But how could I make this track with no tears?
At least I can rap with no fears.
Cause I think this is the only thing I've no lack of, here
Talking about rap, cause fears overdose me
When I see me in the mirror it's telling me ''Error, the creature you wanna see is too deep from heaven forever'' But I've specially no reason to be a demon...
Maybe my mommy be, but not me, aunt!

b) The fable of the table of weed, yeah the calamity, something getting in rapidity when it comes to conquer the young ennemies of the law history.
Smoking in a bunker, they're enlarging the fable becoming a killer. Later, the bar of cigarette deaths's on the cigarette packs won't be a weed bar cause there's too many weed deaths. It's something incredible but understandable.
What the policemen can't understand is what they didn't try till the end of their reign when they're smogging their van in the middle of an arrestation without incarceration. Cause their enterprise doesn't have control over hallucinations: something new and usually not cool changes the mood of the cops that've been caught in the web. ****, they're waking up!

c) It's so bad, but so magic, didn't even realize it was tragic...
just feeling hypnotized by these wide and deep eyes
yeah this blue or green wine, cause it's like an alcohol for my heart
I'm already addicted to the trap, oww crap
my eyes just got scraped by tears when I took a nap
cause mines are black, they're contaminated by a love lack

d) I wanna know what's the code, I'm like the Role model but searchin' the old combination to unlock the cold chest like Sherlock Holmes. Testing the best thing on purpose, the node of the whole rap mold I now hold in my hand won't explode 'cause now I fit in the show.!

e)Hey hi, please don't cry, it's only a question of time, you'll be flying again..Why?..Cause you've wings in your back, you're an angel, no! an archangel! The machiavallian animal was cannibal, eating y'all 'fore a call to the Police Hall.. I exagerate all but when I called you, you were falling from this tall of emotional accumulation, aww.Sentimental collisions or mental collisions: just a ball in your heart strangling your blood canals, aww We're there for you but you've got to be there for yourself, if not, then stop, note what stops you, and rock your usual life to make it hot!


So that's it, it represents fairly well what I'm able to do :) thanks for your advices by advance. :p
 
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I have to say, to say you're 16, I think it's pretty good. I like what you're saying, I could imagine it working okay for music. My honest advice to you would be to keep writing and not ever stopping... I started around your age and eventually gave it up. I wish I'd carried on!

Good luck.

Josh
 
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