Beginner wanting criticism

B

back28mile

New member
Two Verses...

Love, just saying the word could hurt.
Ex's friends, people treating you like dirt.
The feelings I never knew I'll never know.
The feelings I have now I'll never show.
I fell head over heels for someone i thought was ideal.
There's tension I'm starting to wonder if there was ever any sex appeal.
Your a whore and this is how I feel.
I wouldve ran for you forever, spinning wheel.
You were my friend then my lover.
My lover now my foe,
I still love you but now I'm happy when you go.

As you raise I fall.
When I raise you call.
When your runnin I crawl.
No, you crawl cuz your always on your knees.
Your the reason for all of these worries.
Im leaving and I wish I could say I had fun but I didn't.
So they're just be a awkward silence when I leave.
Your not a person to me anymore your just a noun.
I wish I could describe you with a adjective but there's not a adjective that foul.
I wish I woulda knew what I know now.
Our love was a movie, now it's over, get ready to bow.
 
If they are rap lyrics then the flow doesn't seem good at all! But at least you can rhyme! Usually beginners can't half of the time! Practise, practise, and practise! If they are rap lyrics, study your favourite rappers lyrics (I've studied Gurus, and Big Shugs so far), only problem when doing this, people may say 'you sound like Guru' or 'your vibe was like guru' or whatever, watch out not to get into that hole like I have! Anyway, best you can do is write 16 lines a day, and freestyle whenever you can!
 
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M.C.-Exclusivo said:
If they are rap lyrics then the flow doesn't seem good at all! But at least you can rhyme! Usually beginners can't half of the time! Practise, practise, and practise! If they are rap lyrics, study your favourite rappers lyrics (I've studied Gurus, and Big Shugs so far), only problem when doing this, people may say 'you sound like Guru' or 'your vibe was like guru' or whatever, watch out not to get into that whole like I have! Anyway, best you can do is write 16 lines a day, and freestyle whenever you can!
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Hey thanks for the criticism and I was wondering if I could get your email to judge another verse, you seem experienced and I cant PM since i only have 2 posts and would like your feedback.
 
back28mile said:
Hey thanks for the criticism and I was wondering if I could get your email to judge another verse, you seem experienced and I cant PM since i only have 2 posts and would like your feedback.
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Yeah, it's exclusivo@live.co.uk, nah I'm not experienced tbh, I've only been rapping about 7 months! But in those 7 months I've made loads of improvements, and I work on my rapping skills about 3 hours a week, and write for about 1 hour a week, imagine what I could achieve if I had the time do an hour a night!! But anyway yeah, hit me up man.

Thanks,
Exclusivo.
 
I thought this was good for a beginner, you stayed on topic well and the lyrics are relevant and honest.

In the future you'll probably want to develop a more complex rhyme scheme and use stuff like wordplay etc. but at this stage I think it's pretty good, more important to concentrate on writing stuff with relevance as a beginner than multis etc. (when I started I concentrated way too much on multis which made it hard to write decent lyrics for a while). Good stuff, keep at it.
 
Bipola said:
I thought this was good for a beginner, you stayed on topic well and the lyrics are relevant and honest.

In the future you'll probably want to develop a more complex rhyme scheme and use stuff like wordplay etc. but at this stage I think it's pretty good, more important to concentrate on writing stuff with relevance as a beginner than multis etc. (when I started I concentrated way too much on multis which made it hard to write decent lyrics for a while). Good stuff, keep at it.
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That's good feedback. I'm having trouble with staying on topic myself... Every 6 lines I change topics in my song... Only one song have I ever stayed on one topic, and that was my first one...
 
I used to get that alot, like for a couple of years so it took me a while to be able to write stuff that felt relevant and on point to me.

I think part of it was that I was trying to "force" myself to write about something, cos if it was a topic that I really had something to say about it'd be easy to write about and stay on point.

When I first started writing, I was probably too caught up in the whole "rapper" idea (but I've grown up a bit since then) so I'd sometimes write things that make me cringe when I think of them now, cos I was really just trying to be perceived a certain way. And I've always written battle raps as well as more personal writing, so I used to find it hard to write serious shit without somehow drifting into "I'm so dope and your girlfriend sucked my dick" territory.

Sometimes if I want to write but have difficulty getting started, I'll start out with a question (that doesn't have any definitive answer). Like "Where am I going?" or something like that, then I find it a bit easier to build on that, like for the first few lines I'll just be "answering" my own question, but once it gets going the rest usually comes pretty easily. I still suck at writing about anything but myself though...like if I try and write about any other topic it feels like I'm preaching or something and I can't bring myself to do it.
 
Bipola said:
I used to get that alot, like for a couple of years so it took me a while to be able to write stuff that felt relevant and on point to me.

I think part of it was that I was trying to "force" myself to write about something, cos if it was a topic that I really had something to say about it'd be easy to write about and stay on point.

When I first started writing, I was probably too caught up in the whole "rapper" idea (but I've grown up a bit since then) so I'd sometimes write things that make me cringe when I think of them now, cos I was really just trying to be perceived a certain way. And I've always written battle raps as well as more personal writing, so I used to find it hard to write serious shit without somehow drifting into "I'm so dope and your girlfriend sucked my dick" territory.

Sometimes if I want to write but have difficulty getting started, I'll start out with a question (that doesn't have any definitive answer). Like "Where am I going?" or something like that, then I find it a bit easier to build on that, like for the first few lines I'll just be "answering" my own question, but once it gets going the rest usually comes pretty easily. I still suck at writing about anything but myself though...like if I try and write about any other topic it feels like I'm preaching or something and I can't bring myself to do it.
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Yeah, I'm exactly like you bro, everytime I try to write about social problems or something, I just can't do it. My creativity lacks. E.G. at the moment, I am so pissed off with the NHS in the UK, my best friends dad died in work of a heart attach, it took them 30 minutes to get to him, when there was a 5 minute drive untill you got to him from the hospital... So I tried writing about it... I failed... But my first rhymes ever, were about my current girlfriend as we had an argument. To this day, it's probably the hottest shit I've written. Now I talk about my improvements, and what I lack compared to most, but then what I'm better at then every one else. I find it hard to talk about things I really really want to, and instead I'm either discussing what's good and bad about me, or freestyling about the room I'm in or whatever... I literally can't write in that sort of aspect.

If that makes any sense at all... ;)
 
thanks for all the feedback, ill try to post some updated lyrics with the advice you guys recommended sometime next week.
 
yea its not bad I liked the first part the second part u weakend out a lil I think. Keep it goinnnn U'll get there !
 
seems choppy but you can never tell how a rapper delivers his rhymes through typed words, but imo you need to work on the flow. dont even worry about the vocabulary at first. be as simple as you feel comfortable until you get the flow down then work on the vocabulary..and i dont think thats 2 verses because that would be 2 very short verses. a verse is typically 16 bars and if i read that correctly there were only 11 bars in each verse but i could be wrong. i guess it depends on the beat your spittin to. but the best help you can get is practice practice and when your done with that practice some more
 
pretty nice work on the first verse, but the second one could use some work, it didn't flow together as well.

i tried spittin them over one of my beats to test the rhyme scheme, so i might have done it different than you, but yeah, the first verse flowed well to me.
 
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