I wrote a "small" song for a change, songwriting feedback?

Hey guys, wrote something small instead of a punk/rock kind of thing and I think it came out alright. Not so much interested in production feedback but all the more in what you think of the songwriting (I'm not that great of a singer unfortunately).

 
If that's rain, it doesn't really sound like rain it sounds more like noise. I'd recommend a better effect, if it's not meant to be rain I apologize.
In terms of actual songwriting it kind of is what it is, by that I mean it works, I like the feel you've chosen it reminds me of like the opening for firefly or something,
it would go down very well live I'd imagine.

Lyrically I'd recommend not repeating "oh Emily" at the end of those lines every time, perhaps just once or twice, strategically placed and instead
just add other words which link to the previous sentence. Though this is more a personal preference.

I'd recommend bringing in at least one other musical element when the verse eventually comes in again, it's begging for it, that can be whatever you like
but I can almost hear like a harmonica or a similar sounding synth fitting perfectly.

Keep going!
 
If that's rain, it doesn't really sound like rain it sounds more like noise. I'd recommend a better effect, if it's not meant to be rain I apologize.
In terms of actual songwriting it kind of is what it is, by that I mean it works, I like the feel you've chosen it reminds me of like the opening for firefly or something,
it would go down very well live I'd imagine.

Lyrically I'd recommend not repeating "oh Emily" at the end of those lines every time, perhaps just once or twice, strategically placed and instead
just add other words which link to the previous sentence. Though this is more a personal preference.

I'd recommend bringing in at least one other musical element when the verse eventually comes in again, it's begging for it, that can be whatever you like
but I can almost hear like a harmonica or a similar sounding synth fitting perfectly.

Keep going!

Thanks for the feedback and words of encouragement :)
 
Oh and with regards to the noise, it's supposed to be a vinyl emulation but I've mixed it in a tad too loud I reckon. I wanted to make it sound older and rustier.
 
Glad you like it! I really meant it when I recorded at the time because I was going through a really rough period. Would be massive if you could give it a like on soundcloud and a follow because it really helps us out in getting our music heard by more people.
 
Sounds like Violent Femmes. I like it. I think the white noise/vinyl sound/ rain sound could be toned down just a tad bit. The lyrics seem fairly clever with how you rhyme. i enjoyed it. I also enjoyed your other songs so I think I'll follow you. :)
 
The chordal structure and overall flow of the song are pretty solid. I kind of like the vinyl/rain effect as well, its ambiguous and unique, but I would turn it down in the mix overall. Also I would make the "oh Emily" a bit more pronounced, it sounds "ohmmemmy". Super cool stuff here though!
 
I think it works. Doesn't really sound like punk to me, it's actually a little folky, not that it matters. To me the "rain" noise doesn't add anything and it really started to grate. If anything, I'd use it up front and then fade it out pretty early on, maybe fade it back in at the end, but the song is strong enough without it.

Cheers.
 
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