Should i develop this into a full song?

Should i develop this into a full song?

  • I want to see the full song

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Meh

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Olie

Olie

Member
Here's some story telling type lyrics for you:

I couldn't choose my beginning
But I’ll choose my ending
I grew heavy from resenting
But still flew with lead wings
My future’s impending
But I'm glued to my bedding
Turning blue regretting
A truth worth forgetting
I'm through ascending
I'm a recluse intending
A ruthless heading
I fall to a new setting
I view Satan trembling
I Loosen hells gate and get in
I noose then behead him
I move in to skin him
State you lose, his head grins
Says the clue’s in the threading
I wake in a sweat with
A blood soaked sheet clinging
I'm on an iceberg spinning
And the ice keeps thinning
I consider to flee swimming
But first I look at the linen
There’s blood patterns left in it
I make out the words she’s winning
Everything stops spinning
The ice cracks flinging
Me into someone’s wedding
The bride’s clothes start shedding
I put a knife to her neck with
Intent to make blood red it
But the crowd ain't fretting

I was thinking of expanding it into a full song, with the second and third part of the dream having it's own verse so i can go into much more detail. I also need to add some sort of conclusion to wrap it up so it makes sense at the end.

Yay or nay?

Edit: also is the whole waking up but still dreaming bit too much? Seriously damn inception for ruining being able to use that.
 
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Well Yay olie. Yes.



“I couldn't choose my beginning
But I’ll choose my ending
I grew heavy from resenting
But still flew with lead wings”

Killer opening olie. That first line, “I couldn’t choose my beginning butI’ll choose my ending” is gold. The next two lines do it justice. I love thatintro.

The imagery is cool. The bit about how you:

“fall to a new setting, view Satan trembling, loosen hells gate and getin, I noose then behead him, I move in to skin him” …

…is worded nicely, the theme stays on topic, atmosphere is nice and thick.

I’d probably make the sentences longer, but hey, this is just in myopinion. For example:

“State you lose, his head grins. Says the clue’s in the threading.

I wake in a sweat with a blood soaked sheet clinging.

I’m on an iceberg spinning, and the ice keeps thinning

I consider to flee swimming but first I look at the linen”

Only because I find the flow doesn’t stop abruptly at the end of eachsentence.

Since the story is longer, you can afford to lengthen the sentences andlet the melodical flow do its thing for a bit longer. That way, I’m looking atinternal rhymes as well, not just at the end of the sentence. Also I think itadds to the ‘bounce’ of wording, since the whole piece is constructed with asimilar rhyme scheme. I just think it makes it smoother imo.

I enjoyed the Antarctic touch, with the ice lol, and the bride. A nicetwist there.

The only bit I didn’t really get is ‘blood red it’ on the second last line.(Am Itired? Maybe.)

I think youshould expand it into a full song. I’d like to see a fresh rhyme added so itdoesn’t get stale. Not that the rhyme you use doesn’t work here, it does. But Iwould hope that you would consider a twist at one point so I, as the reader,don’t know what to expect. So the rhyme doesn’t become predictable throughoutthe piece.

Personally,I like the ‘whole waking up but still dreaming bit’. I think that’s a personalthing, but I like that aspect.

I think youshould keep working on this olie. It has a cool vibe to it. The wording kind ofrocks. Nice and nasty. The wording is believable and doesn’t seem ‘try hard’ sothere’s a genuine air about it.

Good readolie. Nice one. Looking forward to reading more of this.
 
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I don't know why that didn't work. I've tried to paste into the above box but it's just a black piece. None of my wording comes up. Hopefully some nice person will delete it lol. I'll try again here olie.
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Well Yay olie. Yes.

“I couldn't choose my beginning
But I’ll choose my ending
I grew heavy from resenting
But still flew with lead wings”
Killer opening olie. That first line, “I couldn’t choose my beginning butI’ll choose my ending” is gold. The next two lines do it justice. I love thatintro.
The imagery is cool. The bit about how you:
“fall to a new setting, view Satan trembling, loosen hells gate and getin, I noose then behead him, I move in to skin him” …
…is worded nicely, the theme stays on topic, atmosphere is nice and thick.
I’d probably make the sentences longer, but hey, this is just in myopinion. For example:
“State you lose, his head grins. Says the clue’s in the threading.
I wake in a sweat with a blood soaked sheet clinging.
I’m on an iceberg spinning, and the ice keeps thinning
I consider to flee swimming but first I look at the linen”
Only because I find the flow doesn’t stop abruptly at the end of eachsentence.
Since the story is longer, you can afford to lengthen the sentences andlet the melodical flow do its thing for a bit longer. That way, I’m looking atinternal rhymes as well, not just at the end of the sentence. Also I think itadds to the ‘bounce’ of wording, since the whole piece is constructed with asimilar rhyme scheme. I just think it makes it smoother imo.
I enjoyed the Antarctic touch, with the ice lol, and the bride. A nicetwist there.
The only bit I didn’t really get is ‘blood red it’ on the second last line.(Am Itired? Maybe.)
I think youshould expand it into a full song. I’d like to see a fresh rhyme added so itdoesn’t get stale. Not that the rhyme you use doesn’t work here, it does. But Iwould hope that you would consider a twist at one point so I, as the reader,don’t know what to expect. So the rhyme doesn’t become predictable throughoutthe piece.
Personally,I like the ‘whole waking up but still dreaming bit’. I think that’s a personalthing, but I like that aspect.
I think youshould keep working on this olie. It has a cool vibe to it. The wording kind ofrocks. Nice and nasty. The wording is believable and doesn’t seem ‘try hard’ sothere’s a genuine air about it.
Good readolie. Nice one. Looking forward to reading more of this.
 
Last edited:
Well Yay olie. Yes.

“I couldn't choose my beginning
But I’ll choose my ending
I grew heavy from resenting
But still flew with lead wings”
Killer opening olie. That first line, “I couldn’t choose my beginning butI’ll choose my ending” is gold. The next two lines do it justice. I love thatintro.
The imagery is cool. The bit about how you:
“fall to a new setting, view Satan trembling, loosen hells gate and getin, I noose then behead him, I move in to skin him” …
…is worded nicely, the theme stays on topic, atmosphere is nice and thick.
I’d probably make the sentences longer, but hey, this is just in myopinion. For example:
“State you lose, his head grins. Says the clue’s in the threading.
I wake in a sweat with a blood soaked sheet clinging.
I’m on an iceberg spinning, and the ice keeps thinning
I consider to flee swimming but first I look at the linen”
Only because I find the flow doesn’t stop abruptly at the end of eachsentence.
Since the story is longer, you can afford to lengthen the sentences andlet the melodical flow do its thing for a bit longer. That way, I’m looking atinternal rhymes as well, not just at the end of the sentence. Also I think itadds to the ‘bounce’ of wording, since the whole piece is constructed with asimilar rhyme scheme. I just think it makes it smoother imo.
I enjoyed the Antarctic touch, with the ice lol, and the bride. A nicetwist there.
The only bit I didn’t really get is ‘blood red it’ on the second last line.(Am Itired? Maybe.)
I think youshould expand it into a full song. I’d like to see a fresh rhyme added so itdoesn’t get stale. Not that the rhyme you use doesn’t work here, it does. But Iwould hope that you would consider a twist at one point so I, as the reader,don’t know what to expect. So the rhyme doesn’t become predictable throughoutthe piece.
Personally,I like the ‘whole waking up but still dreaming bit’. I think that’s a personalthing, but I like that aspect.
I think youshould keep working on this olie. It has a cool vibe to it. The wording kind ofrocks. Nice and nasty. The wording is believable and doesn’t seem ‘try hard’ sothere’s a genuine air about it.
Good readolie. Nice one. Looking forward to reading more of this.

 
“I couldn't choose my beginning
But I’ll choose my ending
I grew heavy from resenting
But still flew with lead wings”
Killer opening olie. That first line, “I couldn’t choose my beginning butI’ll choose my ending” is gold. The next two lines do it justice. I love thatintro.
The imagery is cool. The bit about how you:
“fall to a new setting, view Satan trembling, loosen hells gate and getin, I noose then behead him, I move in to skin him” …
…is worded nicely, the theme stays on topic, atmosphere is nice and thick.
I’d probably make the sentences longer, but hey, this is just in myopinion. For example:
“State you lose, his head grins. Says the clue’s in the threading.
I wake in a sweat with a blood soaked sheet clinging.
I’m on an iceberg spinning, and the ice keeps thinning
I consider to flee swimming but first I look at the linen”
Only because I find the flow doesn’t stop abruptly at the end of eachsentence.
Since the story is longer, you can afford to lengthen the sentences andlet the melodical flow do its thing for a bit longer. That way, I’m looking atinternal rhymes as well, not just at the end of the sentence. Also I think itadds to the ‘bounce’ of wording, since the whole piece is constructed with asimilar rhyme scheme. I just think it makes it smoother imo.
I enjoyed the Antarctic touch, with the ice lol, and the bride. A nicetwist there.
The only bit I didn’t really get is ‘blood red it’ on the second last line.(Am Itired? Maybe.)
I think youshould expand it into a full song. I’d like to see a fresh rhyme added so itdoesn’t get stale. Not that the rhyme you use doesn’t work here, it does. But Iwould hope that you would consider a twist at one point so I, as the reader,don’t know what to expect. So the rhyme doesn’t become predictable throughoutthe piece.
Personally,I like the ‘whole waking up but still dreaming bit’. I think that’s a personalthing, but I like that aspect.
I think youshould keep working on this olie. It has a cool vibe to it. The wording kind ofrocks. Nice and nasty. The wording is believable and doesn’t seem ‘try hard’ sothere’s a genuine air about it.
Good readolie. Nice one. Looking forward to reading more of this.
Click to expand...

The longer sentences are already there technically because it would be on a beat so i can choose where the empty spaces are. I was trying to keep it less predictable with the rhyme beginning coming in infrequently to break up the scheme to give it a little uncomfortable feel but i kinda went a little off with the scheme. Good, i'm glad the dreaming bit worked.

Gonna work on it today, gotta say these are one of the funnest lyrics i've worked on.
 
bandcoach said:
no need to give up as such - you know what to do now and can go back to your initial response and edit it to do what you were trying to do

no comment for you, ollie, just advising emily after chatting via pm
Click to expand...

You should start giving feedback on some peoples stuff Bandcoach, you could probably help a lot more than most. Probably trying to avoid drama i'm guessing though? It's a shame.
 
Not so much the drama - if folks can't handle being critiqued they shouldn't put their stuff out there - more if I do it for one who don't I do it for? Not enough time in my days as it is
 
I agree. One idea i have is maybe you could skim through a few, find common mistakes then write a short post for us all? Would be awesome to see a weekly post/article by anyone in here by someone with experience and/or knowledge.
 
of course one thing I could do is to run a podcast "coaches team of the month", where I pick what I consider to be the best of the best. Running it is one thing, having the time to do it well is another - I have certain minimum standards I work with when producing such things and not everyone will be happy at automatically being rejected because they refuse to supply material in the required format.

Let me think about it some, and maybe even do a poll about whether to run it or not
 
I would do it but i'd immediately be pummeled by everyone for being an incompetent boob. Sounds like a good idea, might even bring a bit more life to this forum.
 
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