Rate my lyrics

J

Joeking

New member
Hi, I'm new to this, but im a 17 year old from the UK(I spit in an american accent tho), and struggle with writing lyrics, but I have came up with some lyrics for the beat 'Ernee' by CJ Fly.

Can you please rate them on a scale of 0 - 10(0 being lowest, 10 be highest).

All criticism excepted...

I'm the definition of static, Had a vision but I canned it
Chose cigarettes and fiction to manage what i was handed
My silhouette casted on the backside of my habits
The winners get the interests, the rest we get to cast it
My life soon to vanish as i'm branded by the mighty
Fighting off madness till its ravaging my psyche
Stuck between what's happened and, whatever it might be
Either i'm rapping or in a casket, whichever's more likely
Either way i'm feeling trapped, with life going by fast
Teeth biting the hash, every week rolling up grass
Wake up in the morning pray its time to hit the flask
If it's not i hit the sack and wait for another day to pass
 
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i cant really rate what u wrote...m a nebie meself,i can sense a lot of simlarity in what u write nd what i wrote... uh rhymes are good, something ppl can realte to... thats what makes ppl get them to read more... good work, but work harder...
 
I don't make lyrics so take this with a grain of salt but I would give that a solid 7.5/10!

Flowed well and interesting
 
How are you trying to improve? Make it more appealing to others? More sharable/popular? More relatable? Better writing skills from an English grammar/literature perspective? Better flows? Better rhymes?

If you want me to rate it from a fan of rap perspective i give it 4/10 and here's some major reasons why:
1) Doesn't excite me - I've read stuff like this many times before
2) Seems depressing & a downer - i want to be entertained
3) Don't find the rhymes very appealing (seems almost spoken word/poetry rather than rap)

Ways to improve:
1) Keep writing/practicing , use more wordplay, creative metaphors, etc.
2) Depressing songs can still be good but they have to go somewhere (take eminem - beautiful for an example to analyse)
3) More internal rhyming, more structure, less predictable (use some of these: aabb, aaba, abba, not always: aaaa, bbbb, cccc, etc)
 
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Your on the right path man.

Something that may help: The homie Water Flowzz from back in the day had this technique where he would only write down the main words of each bar and then improv the connecting words depending on the beat. For example,

definition static, vision I canned it
cigarettes fiction manage handed
silhouette casted backside habits
winners interests, rest to cast it

Sometimes it can help as well to to identify when you have become to wordy in a particular bar.
 
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