Post your lyrics for feedback!

[Olie]

I'm bored, so anyone who needs *detailed* feedback on lyrics, i'm happy to give it.
Please only post 1 verse at a time, i have a very short attention span.


If you feel like giving feedback on my latest, feel free.
Maia & Olie - Fly away - YouTube

Peace.

[LyricallyEuthanizing]

I like it. Although I feel as if you were focusing more on the flow and delivery than the fluidity of your lyrics placement and track mixing. I envy your voice lol. I would like some feedback on this verse if you don't mind:

How real can it get this mortality is something else/
The appeal within its over shadowed by limited health/
Lives dealt with a hand of illness and other people die/
Because to them ignorance is being fearless why even try/
My reason is logic self preservation/
Of ones moral compass for those who got it some consciences stay remaining vacent
Composite traces of remorse not detected even though lectures/
Some stay disconnected like corpses from specters/
Hectic though it seems problems being of our own creations/
With pursuit of dreams unreachable destinations/
We are a team fighting each other over our cadence/
Who instead of staying clean would rather cover up with a fragrance/

[mdub25624]

Sittin here bored outta my mind, writing rhymes just to kill time
On the frontline my style is sublime, airline to Anaheim
Then head to Huntington beach for the women & sunshine
Life couldn't even get any better like Floyd playing in Mayweather,
A mover and shaker, niggas shook, meet your maker,the Undertaker
This shit is blood, sweat and tears, I have no fears
Tighten up your security like wheel locks on lavish wheels
Your girl take a trip to my crib, and took semen as her souvenir
I surpass my peers, can't see'em in the rear
I got $4,000 worth of metal in my mouth, so I can hear the girls say damn nigga you have a nice smile, wow
Things never changed if your still tied to your mother's apron strings
So get up off your ass, and overcome the impasse, and progress to be first class
Or just sit in the back of class and get high, Money and fame don't mean a damn thing to most
Unless you never had it, and they always boast but it comes and goes like mother natures ravage
Savage your ego, live life in the shadow, like John Doe and found in the streets covered in blood from head to toe
It's a sad story though

[Olie]

I like it. Although I feel as if you were focusing more on the flow and delivery than the fluidity of your lyrics placement and track mixing. I envy your voice lol. I would like some feedback on this verse if you don't mind:

I'm going to focus on logical structure rather than rhyme scheme and flow for this one.

How real can it get this mortality is something else/ - seems like two topics smushed into one line, try something like ; How real can life get, my mortality is something (word describing mortality that rhymes).
The appeal within its over shadowed by limited health/ - limited health doesn't sound right, limited life or declining health would make more sense. Remember, a lot of people from all backgrounds have to understand you, the words you choose are vital.
(whos?) Lives dealt with a hand of illness and other people die/ - I get what you were trying to do here but it took me re-reading it to make sense of it, think about changing it.
Because to them ignorance is being fearless why even try/ - Liked that phrase, good job.
My reason is logic self preservation/ - your reason for what?
Of ones moral compass for those who got it some consciences stay remaining vacent - I could not make heads or tails of this, i get the general jist of what your saying but it's not clear.

Composite traces of remorse not detected even though lectures/ -
com·pos·ite


Made up of various parts or elements.

Some stay disconnected like corpses from specters/ - Good line
Hectic though it seems problems being of our own creations/ - What is it?
With pursuit of dreams (come) unreachable destinations/ - (or you could put unreasonable expectations)
We are a team fighting each other over our cadence/ - no idea who your talking about again.
Who instead of staying clean would rather cover up with a fragrance/

Work on being a little bit more specific and using clearer sentence structure. if your unsure, even a tiny bit about what a word means, go and look it up!

---------- Post added at 03:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:02 PM ----------

Sittin here bored outta my mind, writing rhymes just to kill time -> basic and not well thought out.
On the frontline my style is sublime, airline to Anaheim
Then head to Huntington beach for the women & sunshine
Life couldn't even get any better like Floyd playing in Mayweather, -> good
A mover and shaker, niggas shook, meet your maker,the Undertaker -> sudden change in tone, bit confusing.
This shit is blood, sweat and tears, I have no fears -> basic
Tighten up your security like wheel locks on lavish wheels -> not a fan of this metaphor
Your girl take a trip to my crib, and took semen as her souvenir -> meh
I surpass my peers, can't see'em in the rear -> meh
I got $4,000 worth of metal in my mouth, so I can hear the girls say damn nigga you have a nice smile, wow -> is this actually true?
Things never changed if your still tied to your mother's apron strings -> if isn't needed in this line.
So get up off your ass, and overcome the impasse, and progress to be first class -> meh
Or just sit in the back of class and get high, Money and fame don't mean a damn thing to most -> meh
Unless you never had it, and they always boast but it comes and goes like mother natures ravage -> underlined bit is good
(add something here like i) Savage your ego, live life in the shadow, like John Doe and found in the streets covered in blood from head to toe
It's a sad story though

Overall it didn't spark much of a flame for me, seems basic and wrote in a hurry.

[LyricallyEuthanizing]

The verse I posted is the second verse to a full song I have written entitled "Nothing's New". What I meant by "it" through out this verse is life in general and how we choose want over need, desire over will, and lustful imagination over logical thought. Below ima post the hook to see if it makes it have a bit more sense.

What's the point of having healthy eyes with a broken tongue/
People who believe the lies say I'm the hopeless one/
Understand we only choose to die when the world is done/
From the earth to the sky nothing's new under the sun/

[calabama]

the games done changed with no freedom of expression
all theese labels can care about is protecting there investments
and the payment they collectin
or the profits they projected
or the revenue expected
while theyre artist stay neglected
then they disrespect ya
say you goin the wrong direction
when the direction youve excepted
is the one that they selected
and what do they expect when every lyric is inspected
and your rhymes are some molested
or corrected
or contested
its pathetic
patience is tested
when on your first alleged
cant even get a lyric in whithout election
when did hiphop drop to become so much less than
a musical mess or maybe exponential stressin
i remember back when rapper sent a usable message
ya parents say do ya best in every thing that comes next kid
but producers say it equels irrelevance
id rather eat a million millameters without a vest
than not follow whats beatin under my chest
so ill rap my heart out and whatever comes next
is just the rest
puth the bullshit up on a shelf
until my lungs cave in or until there aint nothin left
man **** a deal be your self

[Olie]

The verse I posted is the second verse to a full song I have written entitled "Nothing's New". What I meant by "it" through out this verse is life in general and how we choose want over need, desire over will, and lustful imagination over logical thought. Below ima post the hook to see if it makes it have a bit more sense.

What's the point of having healthy eyes with a broken tongue/
People who believe the lies say I'm the hopeless one/
Understand we only choose to die when the world is done/
From the earth to the sky nothing's new under the sun/

I think you need to make your lyrics more compact:

Why have healthy eyes, with a broken tongue,
you believe the lies, (and) say im the hopless one,
we only choose to die, when the world is done,
from the earth to sky, im a hamburger bun,

Under the sun is used so often in regular talk, i find it pretty boring. Ditch the words that arnt neccesary. why dont you go and ditch the words you are using that are not neccessary to the message.

Liked it though, good work.

Edit: Forgot to say don't use people; use you, me, them, they etc.

E.G. what evokes a stronger response - People say i lie, You say i lie.

---------- Post added at 04:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:49 PM ----------

the games done changed with no freedom of expression
all these labels can care about is protecting there investments
and the payment they collectin
or the profits they projected - Tense; collecting, projected - present and past? confusing.
or the revenue expected - saying the same thing 4 times in a row
while theyre artists stay neglected
then they disrespect ya
say you goin the wrong direction
when the direction youve excepted
is the one that they selected
and what do they expect when every lyric is inspected
and your rhymes are some molested
or corrected
or and contested
its pathetic
(whos?) patience is tested
when on your first alleged
cant even get a lyric in whithout election
when did hiphop drop to become so much less than
a musical mess or maybe exponential stressin
i remember back when rapper sent a usable message
ya parents say do ya best in every thing that comes next kid
but producers say it equels irrelevance
id rather eat a million millameters without a vest
than not follow whats beatin under my chest
so ill rap my heart out and whatever comes next
is just the rest
puth the bullshit up on a shelf
until my lungs cave in or until there aint nothin left
man **** a deal be your self

My suggestions:

Uneccesary words

Rethink structure to simplify understanding

Use a different word

[WhiteCupMedia]

Thank god it's Friday
We gonna do this shit the right way
Smokin on that high grade
Rolled up in a white grape

[Olie]

Thank god it's Friday - generic pop line
We gonna do this shit the right way - 5 to 8 syllables probably wont sound good.
Smokin on that high grade - generic gangster line
Rolled up in a white grape

hey ***** its, a high Friday,
taking hits, the right way,
made spliffs in, some white grape,
making hits, on high grade,