Need Feedback on my Lyricism

**gm2sick** · 06-08-2012

I was wondering if I could get some constructive feedback on my lyrics. I'm trying to create a solid foundation on a styles of poetry and word play that I want to make my own style. I'm sure somebody else has hopped on it though, but you get the idea.

The way I spit leaves me questioning if I'm a run dry/
From sunrise I think about the obstacles to come by/
Yet I run by them so easily/
I guess this whole endeavor ahead is just a piece of me/
It means to me, that success never comes in one size,
but doesn't fit all/
Its all held in the beholders eyes/
Whether its to be closed to god/
Close to broads, livin lifes full of suprise/
In a days worth of time/

I'm a bronchosauras, I leave these bars extinct/
Until I get bronchitis and my throat is soar as hell/
Couldn't afford to go to jail,
but I still commit crime when I sumbit rhymes through genocide/

I'd do more, but I got it on reserve.

**L_Houdini** · 06-08-2012

great work on the verse. it's deep with a sense of hope looking forward along with internal rhyming and multisyllables. i'd be curious to hear you spit it, especially the latter parts being able to recite them smooth over a beat. one thing though, you don't need the bronchosauras line, the alliteration with bronchitis makes sense, but it's too passe and basic. it's not horrible, but that's like 8 bars of lyrics and that's the only real punch. it will stick out in people's minds for that simple reason. you can definitely come up with something wittier or just replace it with an additional line moving along with the sincerity of the verse. i'm just saying, i've been in different circles with other cats heavy into lyricism and are sharks waiting for line's like "fresh like hotel towels" or "dipped like ranch dressing". you get what i'm saying, a lot people are sticklers. solid effort though. keep up the good work.

**gm2sick** · 06-09-2012

haha Yeah I get what your saying. Its like the, smoke so much smokey bear dont like me type ish. Scratches the surface, doesn't dig deep. Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it.