Just a random verse i wrote. What you guys think?

[khanvict]

hey ppl im tryna step up my lyrical game, this is a verse i wrote, just wanna know wat yall think.

Half a millie over here/

Half a millie over there/

add them what you got?/

defuse, a millionaire/

im chillin like im sittin on a million chair/

you look outta breathe like u been climbin a million stairs/





Clowinin on ya ass call me king of the circus/

Money.. man money runnin like surplus/

My guns always cockadoodle doo like a rooster/

Shots to ya arm n i aint talking no boosters/

dun let this fool ya/

say good to ya life/

cuz you about to loose her/

[Lyrikill]

Reading it, it seemed a lil forced to me. And what I mean by that, is just about everyline was another similie. Yea, in rap there is alot of that, but, if you do it too much, you can end up looking back at what you wrote and be like,"Dag! I ain't even really saying nothing!" In a freestyle you can get away with it more, but if you're trying to write a song, an actual topic with some sensible lines always helps.
Some might hate me for this, but Lil Wayne is guilty of this alot. Don't get me wrong, some of his punchlines are bananas, BUT, I personally think he goes overboard with them, and suffer the same consequence I just mention, a whole lot of hot individual lines, but actually not saying anything when you look back at it. He's setting the example for everyone to be doing that now " I'm da s**t like ...., I got money like ... I flow like.... I'm sick like.... I'm da bomb like.... " . Too much of anything can ruin something. Just my opinion. I'm waiting for the floodgate of comments for all who think I'm retarded for saying what I just said.

[surgeon_general@live]

basically that was wack

[khanvict]

hahah aight man

[eXtacy]

i kinda liked it, at least the way i was readin it it sounds like you have the whole snowman thing goin on

rhyming wasnt great, but it was decent

i like the metaphors

but i think you could do a little better

7.5/10

fav line:

Shots to ya arm n i aint talking no boosters/

[khanvict]

hey man thanks for the review. Haha i really like the shots ya arm i aint talkin no booster line too, but i wasnt sure if anyone wud kno wat a booster was lol

[eXtacy]

come on now, thats like my worst childhood memory haha

[aclockworkalex]

I thought the "bling bling" era ended like 5 years ago.

[khanvict]

i dun remember talkin bout bling bling but anyway

[aclockworkalex]

When I say bling bling era, I mean rapping about money or assets and how much your worth. I like the end though