First Verse

[tartunian]

This is my first verse that I'm somewhat happy with. It's not a full 16 but it's a start. I value your criticism more than my own so please leave any feedback and it will be returned.

Peace and thanks.

High eyes they seem to disguise the
Once dry eyes of the kid that just cries
'Cause he realized all this shit is just lies
But he's got something to say and that for which he would die
Reality is never, really all that it seems
Nor is the shit that you find in dreams and movie-scenes
If you pierce the veil you'll find a green-screen
Onto which they project the truth that's so obscene
Sometimes I wonder how it is that we tend
To always pretend, that war's a justified a means to an end
Considering how much on this shit it is that we spend
And at the end of the day what are we trying to defend

[L_Houdini]

yea, it's good stuff comrade. i myself have always been into writing the philosophical and social awareness bars. well done. as far a criticism, it's minor details. i only ever read a peer's lyrics as if they were being recited through rap. that being said, you can adjust details a tad to sound less kitschy. unless you want to though, which is honestly acceptable. and that's judging whether you want to sound more like krs-one and jay electronica or anticon, slug, or the new emo cage. to elaborate, using words and phrases like "onto which", "for which he would", "nor is", "pierce the veil" and an apathetic tone move it towards the latter group. yea we both know, it's petty as hell. but rap listeners are like that, especially when it comes to poetic and conscious lyrics. if this was just regular poetry i'd be hard pressed to comment other than "that's tight, leave as is", but there's a lot of perception experienced when delivered through rap, so you have to analyze every possible facet of your writtens. hope you find value in my response, paragraphs and essays come too easily through insomnia.

[tartunian]

Thanks man, really solid advice. Definitely have to look at how the delivery and word choice would be received by listeners. I know this kind of approach doesn't really get anywhere in music today but I was just throwin' it out there. Peace.

[DjPolair]

really good, structure and content but try more multi syllables

[Sweguz]

I like it

[A.art]

dope bro i like the set up, goes good with the song itself. If you need to a partner ill get in the beats with you i just started too infact just made the profile. I want to grow, and have the world thinking before i do