Opinion of lyrics?

[CJ Rocky]

I'm going to look at these lyrics from a commercial standpoint and how they would be perceived by the average audience, if you don't like criticism and that isn't what you write for then don't bother reading.

I’m suppose to be bitter and I know it, - you didn't expand on this or let people know why you're supposed to be bitter in a clear way, confuses the audience and they can't follow, not good.
Delivering true words of sorrow as a poet, - you called yourself a poet, could be seen as pretentious by the average listener.
But hey, There’s no tears of rage, - still no idea what you're talking about at this point, no audience is following.
It’s just a phase, simply a turning of a page,
Because to put it honestly,
She came to you straight through me, - this line is pretty unclear with what i think you're trying to convey.
You got something out of her I couldn’t even see, - good line, makes sense, clear, relatable.
becoming everything I always tried to be,
I’m suppose to be bitter and I should be,
But how can I be bitter when you let us both free - Major cringe, cliche line.

Lyrics are too vague and trying too hard to be artsy fartsy. Talking about specifics would create a stronger emotional reaction in an audience. did she come straight through you, or did someone steal her but hey it's ok because x. Word choice overall could be a little better to convey what you mean. The lyrics overall don't elicit a emotional response out of me. They didn't paint a picture or deliver a very concise story line, although there was a vague idea of what was happening.

i agree with olie on everything he said. But i still like it, it flows well as a rap, when i read it in my head it had a Dance Music/Rap section feeling to it like Examples "changed the way you kiss me"

[atiim]

Just wrote these and i'm trying to gage with how my writing is translating with other people, any feedback is appreciated!

I’m suppose to be bitter and I know it,
Delivering true words of sorrow as a poet,
But hey, There’s no tears of rage,
It’s just a phase, simply a turning of a page,
Because to put it honestly,
She came to you straight through me,
You got something out of her I couldn’t even see,
becoming everything I always tried to be,
I’m suppose to be bitter and I should be,
But how can I be bitter when you let us both free

This just reminds me of Sia! I like it. Needs to be definetely finished. - but I'd recommend to get a little bit simpler if its gonna be "sung", but if its gonna be rapped then its fine! (:

[Silvereyedchild]

Brilliant love it

[JeremyRay]

don't stop, the beginning is quite good

[ElijahDylan]

Not too shabby!

[AberrantObjective]

i like it i'm not sure how its supposed to be sung so i cant exactly hear it in my head! but keep on working make a chorus and some more verses. the meaning is straight forward and i like that a lot

[r:aeplay]

I like the lyrics but I need to hear the beat or voice so I can get a feel of which path your going for

[imevu]

Lie this, really good lyrics

[lickerig]

don't stop and keep going

[BezserkerProductions]

Keep going fam