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Thread: Opinion of lyrics?

  1. #1
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    Opinion of lyrics?

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    Just wrote these and i'm trying to gage with how my writing is translating with other people, any feedback is appreciated!

    I’m suppose to be bitter and I know it,
    Delivering true words of sorrow as a poet,
    But hey, There’s no tears of rage,
    It’s just a phase, simply a turning of a page,
    Because to put it honestly,
    She came to you straight through me,
    You got something out of her I couldn’t even see,
    becoming everything I always tried to be,
    I’m suppose to be bitter and I should be,
    But how can I be bitter when you let us both free

    Last edited by Tomix; 12-10-2016 at 06:04 PM.

  2. #2
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    It's always good to know what kind of music these lyrics should be on. Is it sung, or rap ?
    In general this is much too mystic and self pitying in my opinion. I either think "what's that supposed to mean" or "buhuuu".
    I would first think about the lead motive ( "I should be bitter" ) kinda make this as catchy as you can. Look at Avicii's songs for instance and you will see the difference.
    But there are a lot of basic things you did , not necessarily wrong, but badly, in my opinion.
    "Delivering true words of sorrow as a poet". That's not only a very pretentious, terrible line, but also that's something you were trying to do , but apparently you couldn't, so you just say you would be doing it ? Also no general structure or narrative. "you let us both free" ... how ? What is it even about ? Also you are talking about 3 parties here. You, her, him and you change randomly. Make it about ONE thing not about whatever weird shit is happening with your personal emotions. I don't think you thought at all about how to write good lyrics but rather about what you want to get off your chest. Whatever dude it's bad. Sorry.

    However, I don't want to crush your motivation, but everyone wants to be cool and fame and all that senseless shit. No one want's to work hard, learn even the basics. They think it would come from their uniqueness. But it doesn't. Every kind of art is a craft, not a magic power.

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  4. #3
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    Good Lyric, Needs to be finished

  5. #4
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    good, keep going

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    Good work

  7. #6
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    If these lyrics are to be sung then I think they read well. But if they are to be rapped, I think they could be a bit better.
    But that's just my personal opinion. If this is for a rap song, try using multis.

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    I'm going to look at these lyrics from a commercial standpoint and how they would be perceived by the average audience, if you don't like criticism and that isn't what you write for then don't bother reading.

    I’m suppose to be bitter and I know it, - you didn't expand on this or let people know why you're supposed to be bitter in a clear way, confuses the audience and they can't follow, not good.
    Delivering true words of sorrow as a poet, - you called yourself a poet, could be seen as pretentious by the average listener.
    But hey, There’s no tears of rage, - still no idea what you're talking about at this point, no audience is following.
    It’s just a phase, simply a turning of a page,
    Because to put it honestly,
    She came to you straight through me, - this line is pretty unclear with what i think you're trying to convey.
    You got something out of her I couldn’t even see, - good line, makes sense, clear, relatable.
    becoming everything I always tried to be,
    I’m suppose to be bitter and I should be,
    But how can I be bitter when you let us both free - Major cringe, cliche line.

    Lyrics are too vague and trying too hard to be artsy fartsy. Talking about specifics would create a stronger emotional reaction in an audience. did she come straight through you, or did someone steal her but hey it's ok because x. Word choice overall could be a little better to convey what you mean. The lyrics overall don't elicit a emotional response out of me. They didn't paint a picture or deliver a very concise story line, although there was a vague idea of what was happening.
    Last edited by Olie; 01-15-2017 at 02:41 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dmitri Shostakovich
    A creative artist works on his next composition because he was not satisfied with his previous one.

  9. #8
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    Like a couple of people have said above it's a little harder to give feedback on just straight lyrics without the context of genre. One thing you could work on is your rhyme structure. Every line rhymes with the one after or before it creating a basic AABB structure. If you continue that throughout the whole song then it's gonna get repetitive and Dr. Seuss like. Not every line has to rhyme. Mixing it up keeps the listener more engaged, but it can be hard because it feels like you're interrupting the flow. Using these non-rhyming lines to paint a really vivid picture is a good way to make them interesting and feel like they fit in better. Or you can have rhymes in the middle of the line instead of the end. There's a lot of different ways you can play with words. Experiment, it's the only way to get better.

    Quick Note: I don't see the whole "It sounds pretentious argument." with the poet line. After a heartbreak I know I get really dark and start to feel like I'm a character in a Shakespearean Tragedy or something. Maybe it's a hip hop thing because there are so many rap songs about the rapper bragging about their god like status and since that's what I listen to then my standard for being pretentious is skewed. But that line was actually my favorite. It was the most relatable for me.

    Adding more complex rhymes also helps. When I'm doing a freestyle I will use really simple, short words (see, be, free) to bide my time between punchlines. I might start out with a clever rhyme and then work my way to another one with these simpler rhymes. When you are sitting down and writing stuff out, it's easier to really dive into the imagery, symbolism, and advanced rhyme techniques. You have time on your side here, use it. I think you are on the right track with lines five and six rhyming honestly with through me, but there's a lot more to be done and the sky's the limit.

    Lastly I'm gonna give my two cents on the whole vagueness thing that everyone else has talked about. If you are writing a pop song then definitely being vague is your friend. You are appealing to the masses and you do that by relating to everyone. But most other genres are more specific. You could always go for a shock factor and do something where you kill both of them (not all that original but you get the idea) but I don't think that is needed. Speak to your own human experience because if you are able to relate to it then I'm sure others will too.

    I don't know how long you have been writing lyrics and it sounds like these are very much a first draft. So I have a tiny sample size of what you can do. But if you want advice this is what I would say. Become a student of lyricism. I was watching a Kendrick Lamar interview where he said "I am a student of the game first." This statement can apply to every single genre of music. The new generation of music usually has a very in depth knowledge of the previous one and uses this to combine influences and create their own sound. The best music advice I have ever gotten is from my Jazz Band Director. He always told us that we need to be listening to jazz in our free time so that we were filling up our cups. It's very much the same mentality as Kendrick has. The more you know about how Paul Simon, Andre 3000, Paul Mccartney, John Lennon, Kanye West etc. wrote their music then the more ideas you have to implement into yours. Sit down, pull up the lyrics to one of your favorite songs, and analyze it. See what you like and what you don't. How does the music fit with the words? Are there things they are doing that you aren't? Are there things that you are both doing? Sometimes just write a song with the whole intent of copying a certain technique. Even if it isn't a good song it's a good way to stretch yourself. The next time you use that technique it might become a masterpiece. So just keep writing, everyone writes bad lines, but the more you write the sooner you come up with good ones.

  10. #9
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    The lyrics are good. but making good music is more than just have good lyrics.
    I would have to hear how you deliver those bars, how you inflect your voice, and how much emotion
    you put into it.

  11. #10
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    Not sure of genre but only criticism is that every line just rhymes with the next line, try and play around with where and when you're rhyming words.

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