never written before.. first time.

G

Glitchy

Guest
hey fam was makin a new beat earlier and decide to try write something to it, let me know what you think as i've never done any writing before. thanks.

foot got you pinned down by your throat/
he standing over you with his stolen coat/
you just lie there bleedin watchin him gloat/
defeat by your bestfriends deceit/
in front of everyone on the main street/
everyone just standin and starin/
no help-whatsoever for you is coming /
the thoughts and pain leaving you numbin/
watching your friend walkin away hands bloodin'/
leaving you there wonderin what hes becomin'/
he walks off like nuthin happend just hummin/

you get a ring from him later that night/
you answer hesitantly despite/
what happend earlier between use with the fight/
he keeps chattin like you're still tight/
but you finally grow some balls and incite/
he explains why he hit you and that he's contrite/
he was just provin to the neighbourhood kids/
that he's raw and he's down for bids that the law forbids/
wantin to be a thug that's all he wanted to be/
and he had to prove that he could be trustee/
thinkin that you'd understand and just agree/
that gaining some reputation/
was also your biggest temptation/
 
This isn't bad.

The only real problem I noticed is that you need to concentrate on rhyming in multiples of two with respect to your lines. You had a rhyme scheme going for 3 lines, then switching and going for 2, then for 1, then for 5. It will come out very awkwardly I think.

Good luck,

-E.
 
E.T. Science said:
This isn't bad.

The only real problem I noticed is that you need to concentrate on rhyming in multiples of two with respect to your lines. You had a rhyme scheme going for 3 lines, then switching and going for 2, then for 1, then for 5. It will come out very awkwardly I think.

Good luck,

-E.
Click to expand...

Yeah bro that's some good feedback, appreciate it. I'll try work on that.
 
While ET definately brings up a good point, this is why I always find it so hard to critique a rap off of lyrics alone. The rhyme scheme is odd, sure, but with the right flow and enunciation at unconventional syllables, it could be groundbreaking. The ol' A-A-B-B-A-A-C-C thing can get a little old sometimes.
 
If the pattern match the beat than it should be fine. I ryhme on and off pattern my self, but i dont write.
 
Advice. Turn off the music. Memorize what beat is in your head. Then out loud or in your head start building your song. When you gotten a paragraph turn on the music and see what needs to be adjusted. Too many times people compensate bad rhyming with the beat. Your internal rythym can tell if something is off better than with the beat.
 
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