critique these 33 bars! (soundcloud link & lyrics)

H

harrvest

New member
i know the mixing isn't great but i'm more focused on lyricism, flow and voice right now. so i'd like to hear more criticism on those elements but any input is appreciated!

https://soundcloud.com/jake_hanson/psychonaut

Like it or not
I'm a psychonaut, tripping became a test to me,
Psychedelics teach me and breathe life into my destiny,
When I'm feeling stressed never let em get the best of me,
I'm in my head manifesting the effects of ecstasy,

So I don't give a f*ck, if anyone thinks less of me,
Especially when I recklessly decrease my life expectancy,
Don't mess with me, I promise I won't be pleasant presently
Like pregnancy, taking it to the next level heavily

With perplexity, speaking to your mind open sesame
In discrepancy, mastering the technique of telepathy
For weaponry, continuing to nod my head restlessly,
Disrespect without regret, I'm seizing all your equity,

In a single check to me, I'm alive and I feel blessed to be,
But I haven't learned my lesson I'm going back to the dope ces and g!
Mixing them together to complete the whole recipe,
Is what I needed for me to be able to reach serenity,

Because I know nothing is infinite within this symphony,
If it was the universe would literally be different visually,
Unless your religion gives you the ability to live blissfully
Youre like a typical minister who's just thinking wishfully,

Using that shit as an excuse to act wickedly,
Is a cynical joke to help evolutions efficiency,
B*tch*s live in fantasies pretending they can get with me,
Watch me f*ck the industry until it gets an injury,

Im the epitome of what it means to be the centerpiece,
Unleashing my inner beast to maintain this simple peace,
Balancing my energy extinguishing what limits me
While opening my chakras experiencing liberty,

Cancels out misery because I'm looking inwardly
Before attempting synergy between friends and enemies
Mentally I'm focused on extra sensory imagery
I'll probably pay the penalty of losing all my memories

But I'll make history remember me through centuries!
 
I like the whole tonality of the composition don't know if that is your real voice or not, but I dig it. The flow was good and kept up with the breaks, my only thought is that the E part of your rhyme scheme was to repetitive and lasted throughout the whole 33 bars. Its very impressive dont get wrong, but just became to much for me personally. Other then that its a pretty good song. Ride the snake my dude!
 
thank you for the feedback sir! i actually had a person on facebook tell me that my voice was almost awkwardly too deep so i'm interested in what other people have to say about that. and yes that is my real voice
 
With perplexity, speaking to your mind open sesame
In discrepancy, mastering the technique of telepathy
For weaponry, continuing to nod my head restlessly,
Disrespect without regret, I'm seizing all your equity,
Click to expand...

definitely a fan of these lines with the exception of the telepathy choice... I think it breaks the flow a bit... the "th" makes it softer in comparison to everything else in these bars in my mind. Maybe that's just me though lol
 
Very talented lyricism man. I dug the whole thing from start to finish. Like someone said, I would think about switching up the "E" sound for one or two bars towards the end, but nice otherwise.
 
wow thank you all for such positive feedback! i've been writing and writing so hopefully i improve and ill have more to show you guys
 
"Your lyricism ad vocab is on point! but you sound a lil monotone(something i had to learn lol). other than that if its mixed, mastered, EQ'd and so on It'll be reaally good! :D" and stick with the akward voice itll make you different
 
Somebody give this guy a lot of money very fast. I thought the flow was good and the pace was nice. I liked it and I'm not exactly a huge fan of rap! Keep it up!
 
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