can i get a reveiw in this verse ?

C

conzcept

New member
its for not afraid by emineim



not afraid grippin blades who the hell wants it
got grenades goin insane with the demons that haunt him
but i can perservere without fear and pop a clip in
the end is near on your career and my dudes/goons aint missin
its hard on me to be something and just sit and wait
while these ******* cant spit for shit but are still countin cake
for goodness sakes give me a break they have no talent
while i put my emotions that im holdin but theirs aint nothin damit
now you know i aint never been one to follow
cuz no ones usin their head aint talkin bout sleepy hollow
just remember you aint never guarnteed a tomarrow
its just a fact that can be really hard to swallow
but you keep calm and just keep your place
cuz you might go psyco callem norman bates
like alot of these dudes swearin that they pimpin
but they choke the chicken more than homer chokes bart simpson
like you need to just close your eyes and just listen
and dont underestimate the white boy thats spittin
cuz its not about race when i embrace the mic
even thou some dont beleive me ima end it tonight

chorus
 
The good: you kept the same general topic throughout the verse, didn't except it.
The bad: Your rap was too simple. I've seen/heard rappers have this same topic a million times...you didn't really innovate or put a creative spin on it at all and thus it's not so entertaining.
Flow was slightly off at some points,you should tighten that up. And make your rhyme schemes more complex than always 1 or 2 syllables. Step it up and use 3 or 4 syllables, internal rhyming, variation, etc. Also use metaphor, simile, or other literary devices to get your point across.
 
Whiny. Hating on people doing it better than you. You'll never be on the one's you hate's caliber if you just ***** and moan. Try and be more creative, thought provoking...the whole knife's, clips, shit is lame...and get an original beat. Eminem isn't relevant anymore.
 
[/COLOR]like do i have the link for the song ? i didnt record it yet and apparantly i shouldnt from these reveiws lol

---------- Post added at 12:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:47 AM ----------
Flonominal said:
The good: you kept the same general topic throughout the verse, didn't except it.
The bad: Your rap was too simple. I've seen/heard rappers have this same topic a million times...you didn't really innovate or put a creative spin on it at all and thus it's not so entertaining.
Flow was slightly off at some points,you should tighten that up. And make your rhyme schemes more complex than always 1 or 2 syllables. Step it up and use 3 or 4 syllables, internal rhyming, variation, etc. Also use metaphor, simile, or other literary devices to get your point across.
Click to expand...

thanks for actuallt giving me advice lol i think i have a little bit of potential but idk haha
 
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conzcept said:
[/COLOR]like do i have the link for the song ? i didnt record it yet and apparantly i shouldnt from these reveiws lol
Click to expand...

nah, please give it go. Words on paper alone has it's own merits, however, it really takes on an added dimension when it's performed/sung.
 
It seems like you have a good grasp of how to keep on rhythm, and it's alot better then others I've seen if you're a beginner.

I do have to agree about the subject matter though, don't get me wrong, I've done plenty of the same in the past, and every now and then no one is immune to getting a bit egotistical and boasting, but at least try to write about some other subject matters, doesn't even necessarily have to be innovative, just what you really feel in your heart, what really bugs you, or what really makes you happy. Inject some true opinion/commentary into your verses, give it some personality.

Also I agree with the recording thing, once you record a verse, it also adds a whole other dimension to it and it's important to at least practice recording even if you dont plan to release or just delete afterwards.
 
"dont underestimate the white boy" thats a bad decision

lil twist at the end

you can always write watever it is thats on your mind, and it might be garbage at first but you can keep revising it over and over till its perfect and its exactly wat you want. make every line count
 
Truthfully...I'd say you need to keep writing a lot and try to be more creative with the structure of your rhymes. Don't just rhyme the last word of every bar. Try to FLIP what you're saying in a sick way. Also, talking about grippin blades, grenades and poppin a clip in is very unnecessary. Be YOU and work on creating a rhyme style that stands out. Creativity is the key...but keep it up man!
 
Keep writing. 80% of "lyrics" is really your own personal style and perspective on things. If you keep writing you'll start to flourish with your own flavor.

The lyrics are tight though, I see a lot of potential lyrically just need to get your concepts and subject matter tighter

---------- Post added at 02:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:15 PM ----------

Oh yeah, you gotta have truth in your lyrics too.

Personal truths. We all have them. No one appreciates exaggeration of your lifestyle... rap what's around you... Music is about expression of culture and lifestyle so whatever it is you do rap about that


Teddy Dayton
 
thanks for all the help ive been writing alot lately and now im trying to get a more poetical (dont know if its a real word) veiw when i write like my idols mos def,rakim and so on

---------- Post added at 01:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:07 PM ----------

oh yeah i was mad when i wrote this lol
 
Lol you don't suck at all dude, you're great lyrically I would like to hear more from you
 
I'd give it like a 5/10 not good, not bad
I feel like I've heard this a million times so thats a minus 3, Every line was a mouthful so that's a minus 2.
You definitly know how to bring really deep emotions into a verse though I'll give you that.
 
BattleToads said:
Whiny. Hating on people doing it better than you. You'll never be on the one's you hate's caliber if you just ***** and moan. Try and be more creative, thought provoking...the whole knife's, clips, shit is lame...and get an original beat. Eminem isn't relevant anymore.
Click to expand...

eminem isnt relevant BULLSHIT. but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. keep writin, the blades and shit couldve been said more creative, but it was kool i say revise and record both versions and see which is liked more
 
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